By Cathy Eck
No Victims/No Perpetrators
If you understand the nature of true and false selves, it’s clear that victims and perpetrators are two sides of the same coin (bottom of the triangle). I’ve been there. I totally get that when you’re stuck in someone’s illusion, you feel like a victim. You think you must convince the perpetrator to free you from their beliefs. That’s a lie.
The perpetrator is caught in illusion too. According to their beliefs, they’re doing the right thing. All human problems are caused by conflicting definitions of what is right. The only answer is to find what is true. If either person was at the top of the triangle, the event couldn’t even take place.
I couldn’t see this clearly until I let go of a lot of beliefs. That’s why I write this blog. I want people who are reaching for freedom to have a life line. I want my errors and lessons to be their shortcuts.
I had little religious training growing up. When I first married into a Catholic family, I just kindly ignored them for the most part. As a successful business women, I was pretty confident that my thoughts, beliefs, and choices created my reality. Then I sold my business and became a stay-at-home mom, a feminine role to my husband. Suddenly my husband was my bread-winner, my security. His way of thinking became more dominant, and my mind filled with Catholic beliefs like someone was filling a bathtub with water.
Before this, his beliefs just looked like choices. But now they were laced with fear, and they felt real and true. I didn’t like his beliefs, but they were superglued into my mind. I couldn’t get them out.
I felt like I was in hell. But I also realized that I had the opportunity to understand how we all get stuck in the illusion of beliefs.
I now understood why my husband and his family looked at me like I was insane when I said, “Just change your mind. Let it go.” They couldn’t; their minds were like tangled webs.
All drama and insanity is caused by the ridiculous notion that we can’t let go of beliefs. Any belief system that’s declared to be true and can’t be dropped is absolutely part of the illusion. Beliefs are choices that limit our experience. People with beliefs can’t see beyond their veil; they’re like fish caught in tiny bowls that can’t imagine a big lake. But their bowl is normal to them so it looks true.
In addition, we’re born with minds that are wired to feel calm when we hear truth and feel emotion when we hear something false. That keeps the world peaceful. But most people are at least partly psychologically reversed. They no longer feel emotion when they accept a belief. They feel emotion when they disobey the belief. They’ve been mentally and emotionally rewired to be blindly obedient to the false self. In fact, the True Self often looks evil to them.
Writing saved me. When I sat down to write, I connected with my True Self. My emotional wiring would return to true-false, and I could look see the truth clearly. It felt so good that I did it nearly all the time. When I interacted with my husband, I fell into illusion land again because I’d believe him. But I continued clearing the rubble in my own mind, and I started to recognize the attributes of True thoughts versus the very different qualities of false thoughts or beliefs. Eventually, I could discriminate even when standing in someone else’s illusion.
I now felt such compassion for people who had been sold beliefs. My husband didn’t knowingly borrow these ridiculous beliefs; he was handed them on a platter of fear when he was too young to discriminate. That just wasn’t fair. I fell into the illusion at an age where I could dig my way out. Most people can’t get out because they don’t know out exists.
The Common Belief
Eventually, I could see that all dysfunctional relationships share common beliefs. The common belief that triggered my avalanche into hell was stay-at-home mom. We both had stay-at-home mothers who submitted to their husband’s beliefs and desires. When I met the circumstances and stepped into this feminine role, I fell into his illusion. Once inside his world, I saw through his eyes; and my own discrimination seemed wrong and bad.
My husband had beliefs that protected his beliefs. My old mind was orderly based on true and false. Now my mind was like a spider’s web of confusion; it told me that if I let the beliefs go, I’d be punished. I suddenly feared God and hell. I felt I had to obey authority blindly. I believed that I was unworthy. I felt jealous for the first time in my life. I was an alien in a foreign land swimming in a sea of beliefs. And the worst belief of all was that I couldn’t let any of them go.
But I did rediscover how to let go. I got my discrimination back, and I’m much more secure in my life because of the experience. I learned, however, that I just can’t live in someone else’s illusion.
I don’t judge beliefs anymore if people want them, but I won’t accept them as true. I remind others that they don’t have to accept beliefs that don’t feel good. Beliefs are optional; and if someone requires you to accept them, I suggest you run the other way.
In addition, I’m more comfortable letting people experience the natural consequences of their beliefs. Beliefs have a price; usually a big one. So I don’t pick people up so quickly or go into their world to save them anymore. Natural law is the best teacher sometimes.
However, if they want to let those beliefs go, I’ll support them all the way. Everyone deserves freedom, but we must choose it.