By Cathy Eck
Love is Love and Sex is Sex
Many years ago, my friend Susan called me and said, “Hey Cathy. Got some business for you.”
“What is it?” I asked. One never knew what Susan was thinking.
“My friend wants a reading from you.”
“Reading? Susan have you lost your mind? Since when do I give readings?”
“When someone asks you to,” she answered confidently.
“I can’t do readings. Tell her no.”
“She’s willing to pay $300.”
“Okay, tell her yes.”
We talked for a bit, and Susan explained that her friend Bonnie found the friendly advice I gave to Susan helpful. She wanted some for herself; but since we weren’t friends, she assumed she had to pay me. So we renamed our interaction a consulting session and moved forward.
Bonnie came to my condo and plopped three Benjamins on the table. Then she said, “I have one question.”
“Okay, lay it on me.”
“I’m in love with my farrier, but I’m married. My farrier comes to do my horses’ shoes and I do him instead. I don’t want to divorce my husband, and I don’t want to quit having sex with the farrier because it is sooooo good.”
I spoke what came to mind without judgment; after a short pause to check my emotions. I answered:
Love is Love and Sex is Sex. Don’t confuse them.
Bonnie looked at me with the most curious look. Then she slapped a twenty dollar tip on the table, said “Thank you so much.” She hugged me, and left. Later Susan said that Bonnie told everyone about the amazing advice I gave her.
I was kind of dumbfounded by my own advice. It took me awhile to really get it. We usually link love and sex together. Sex is often considered proof or a consequence of love.
But sex is only the effect of two possible desires: Pleasure, in which case sex is no different from playing tennis or watching movies, and creation, which we don’t want very often. Just ask Stormy the pony.
We make a huge mess of sex when we label it making love. Sex is not love unless you bring love to it. Sex is not spiritual unless you bring spirituality to it. Contrary to the belief of many men, if you don’t get sex, you don’t die. It’s not a need. We don’t even need it very often to perpetuate the species. If it became necessary, I’m sure our True Self would create a desire for it.
Rape and Adultery
Sex is mostly a want, an activity that can be fun. It can also be horrible if the desire isn’t mutual. If rape is defined as nonconsensual sex, then rape is very normal; except we relabel it guilt or makeup sex. In homes all over the world, one partner is manipulating the other to get them into the mood and fulfill their desire. The moments when sex and love coexist are probably quite rare.
Then there are the religious zealots who judge gay sex when clergy themselves have been doing it for centuries. If it sends you to hell, than hell is already full of Catholic priests. Sex is just sex; and if we took all the baggage out of it, and only did it when it was win-win for everyone involved, life would be so simple.
What about adultery? The Bible says adultery is bad, and people assume that it refers to sex outside of marriage. But the Bible is a text for the mind, not the body. Even Jesus said that adultery happens in the mind.
In the ancient world, the only real marriage was the alchemical marriage in our mind. The alchemical marriage meant that your male mind and your female mind were in harmony. If the male mind aspect didn’t listen to his feminine, and instead listened to someone outside of his own mind, he committed mental adultery. In short, accepting another’s beliefs was adultery. The very act of following religion is actually adultery according to the ancient masters because you’re not following your own True Self, your own inner God.
So while many consider sex outside of marriage taboo, others actually consider it normal especially if their True Self coaxes them into the experience. Jealousy and possessiveness create relationship problems, not sex. When sex leads to love, we fall in love; and falling is never pretty. When unconditional love leads to sex; we don’t make much fuss about it.
Take the Taboo Out, and the Urge Disappears
One day, a young Hasidic Jew called me for mentoring. He was the coolest kid; I just loved him. He said, “I’m supposed to be so religious, and all I can think about is pornography.” I didn’t judge him, I told him that he should look at it as art and enjoy it.
“That’s it?” he said.
“Yep that’s it.” I knew that when something taboo becomes acceptable, it looses its attraction. In his case, the results were very quick. He called me back an hour later and said, “I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s no longer fun.” We both cracked up. I simply tricked him into letting go of his judgment.
When Adam and Eve’s fall became about sex; and sex became evil and sinful, we all wanted more of it. But when sex falls off its pedestal and just becomes sex, all the problems, compulsions, and suffering vanish. Like everything else in life, it becomes what you make of it. It becomes a creative tool in your life toolbox.
When this mental transformation occurs, our true unconditional love shines through. Then we realize that all that sex stuff was a whole bunch of nothing.
On a related topic, learn about mental virginity here.