By Cathy Eck
Knowing True Love
Love is a very confusing subject. We talk about “falling” in love as a good thing. People attach sex, romance, and chemistry to love, which nearly guarantees our fall. One thing for sure, true love is never found in the traditional ball-and-chain relationship. True love is like the sun; it is what we experience when we give unconditionally.
I have to admit, “falling” in love took me on a giant life detour. I buried my True Self with beliefs in relationship. But one day, I could no longer pretend that fallen love was the real deal. I wanted only True Love, and I was willing to do what it took to find it. I didn’t yet realize I had it all along.
False Love Languages
Recently, Oprah interviewed Gary Chapman, the best-selling author of “The Five Love Languages.” His book sold millions of copies; people credit it with saving their marriages. However, Mr. Chapman has a severe case of true love and false love level confusion. The book should be called, “The Five False Love Languages.”
You take a questionnaire to find your love language — or what you need to feel loved. Then your partner is supposed to give you what you need, i.e., speak your love language. The author said the best question to ask your partner is, “What do I need to do to fill your love tank?” To me that sounded more like a question a perverted gas station attendant would ask.
The love languages were as follows:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Undivided Attention
Doing Acts of Service
Here’s the key. Our natural true masculine state of being gives unconditionally (like the sun); our natural true feminine state reflects (moon) or absorbs (earth). We all have both masculine and feminine aspects within our minds that ideally work together.
In relationship, we play the masculine or feminine role; we project the other role out and interact with it. If the one in the masculine role is giving true love, the feminine reflects it back. The love continues to flow endlessly.
In true love, our True Self gives what we love to give. If we’re joyous, we give joy. If we’re wise, we give wisdom. If we are spontaneous, we share our spontaneity. If we’re funny, we make the other laugh. The love we feel in this giving is the reconnection of two True Selves (often called soul mates), each playing a different role. This giving is effortless; we don’t wear out giving our True Self because it is unlimited.
We actually feel love when we give it; but our false self tells us we feel it when we receive it.
This is where people get confused. You can see this clearly in the parent-child relationship. When the baby first arrives, you feel so much love because you see only perfection in the baby even though the child is just eating and pooping. You give unconditional love to the child. They reflect your true love back.
Since you feel love, you think the child is giving love to you. But what you’re feeling is the purity and lack of emotion that occurs when you think loving true thoughts. You don’t yet have beliefs about the child.
Why Does True Love End
Eventually, the child does something that we label “bad,” and they feel the disconnection from the parent. They eventually find the key to fixing that disconnect and that becomes part of their love language. Maybe they hug the parent, now hugs mean that everything is okay. We are connected again. Love goes from unconditional giving to fixing the lack of love with behaviors. If love morphs into sacrifice or duty, we’ve about hit bottom.
“The Five Love Languages” provides a fix for this false love dilemma. The test exposes the childhood wound that needs fuel. So if the person fills our empty tank with a kind word or touch, we feel loved for a little while. But just like our gas tank, it will soon be empty again.
Fixing the Cause
We hug the person at intermittent intervals and this fixes the effect (empty tank) instead of the cause (childhood wound). But come on, is that hug really love or is it just socially-acceptable manipulation?
The initiates said that it’s stupid to fix effects. They’re right. Do you really want to fill tanks with gifts, touches, doing laundry, or words of affirmation for the rest of your life? Most of us do until we just can’t do it even one more time; then we run like hell, die, or wake up.
The goal of initiation was to live a life of unconditional love. When the initiates reached this state, they were said to be like Gods (or like the sun). They were powered by fuel that never runs out.
Initiates never played games; they’d never be half of a whole. Two initiates would be two whole people that make more than the sum of one plus one. They would be a creative partnership where each wants what the other’s True Self naturally gives. When you step on the path of initiation, you stop filling tanks. But you will help another heal their wounds and return to true love.
The good news is that you don’t need to know anyone’s love language because that isn’t true love anyway. True love is natural, and we never get tired of expressing it. The more we give true love, the more true love we feel. That is because true love was perfectly designed to be felt when we gave it. In that way, the love you feel is only limited by your beliefs, which limit your capacity to give. That is insanely fair because everyone can give unconditional love, even when they are completely alone.