Love! The Most Confusing Word in the English Language

True Love

My daughter’s rescued dogs.

By Cathy Eck

 

Words are Crazy

I love the word fuck.  It’s so clear and versatile.  If I say, “What the fuck?”  You know what I mean.  If I say, “You look fucking gorgeous!”  We’re in harmony.  If I say, “Fuck you.”  You get my drift without any further explanation.

However, if I say “I love you,” now you’re confused.  Does she mean she like… really loves me?  Does she want to have sex with me?  An exclusive relationship?  To marry me?  Three little words, “I love you,” create more relationship confusion in one day than fuck has ever created — and people claim fuck is the bad word.  But don’t worry; fuck comes to the rescue.  If you say, “I fucking love you man.”  Now you are safe.  Confusion gone.

 

Love is Enough

Nothing feels worse than hearing someone say, “My love is not enough to….. (fill in the blank)”  The statement isn’t true.  But in desperate moments, those words often come out of people’s mouths.  They wonder if they’re being punished when they love something so much and can’t make it right or save it.  That’s love in the illusion.  If you choose to believe in it, you get the consequences.

Unconditional love is the most powerful force in the universe.  I’m certain that it’s enough.  But love has been so watered down and so misused that it’s lost its incredible power.

Let’s start with romantic love.  We use the term “fall in love” for a good reason.  We take our whole True Self and cast it aside so we can be half of another person.  We define a good relationship as becoming more concerned over whether they like us then whether we like us.  Therefore, it’s also common to say, “I lost myself in that relationship.

We believe that strong emotions mean love.  But since you read my blog, you aren’t falling for that trick, are you?  The emotion is saying that what we’re thinking right now is false.  That’s all.  Emotional chemistry means that this person gets us to think a lot of false thoughts. True love is calm.  And sex should be the effect of love, not a synonym for it.

 

That’s Not Love

Some of you were raised by parents who told you that discipline was love.  My mom would smack us with her big wooden paddle and then tell us she did it because she loved us.  WTF?  That wasn’t true then and never will be true.  She was getting an emotional release because her thinking about us sucked.  That’s not love.

Then there are the people who think worry is love.  When we worry about someone, we’re projecting our fear on them.  That’s not love.

There’s the notion that sympathy as love.  When we sympathize with another, we’re believing the same lies that they believe making it harder for them to fix their situation.  Compassion, where we know they’ve just accepted a belief that isn’t true, and we know they can let it go, is equal to love.  Compassion comes from the True Self.

Controlling or fixing another isn’t love.  Someone who says, “I want you to read this self-help book because I love you.”  That’s not love.  While I freely express my ideas on my blog, I don’t even make my own kids read it.  It’s there for people who want it.  True love doesn’t need support or validation.

People equate love with doing shit.  That’s not love.  I’ve been told that love is thank you cards, cleaning, various activities, offering to buy dinner, hugs, visiting, calling, squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom, handing over the remote, etc.  I’ve been told that love is gifts, surprises, and the right words.  And I don’t believe any of it.  Fuck you Hallmark and 1-800-FLOWERS.

It’s all an issue of good old level confusion.  At the mental level, love is simply making sure that what we think of another when we think of them is loving and true.  When it’s not, we let go.  That’s it.  The mental level is what’s true.

People who feel inclined to follow the socially acceptable laws of love, as described above, view life from the physical orientation.  They often do nice things while talking about you behind your back or secretly hating you in the privacy of their mind.  They can look loving without really being loving.  If we’re honest and honor our emotions, we’ve known it all along; but usually, we didn’t want to admit it.

Humans spend their lives trying to get love when all we can control is our ability to give it.  In my experience, that’s enough.  When we get our mind clear enough that another’s false self has no power over us anymore, they’re really easy to love.  Our love power returns.

 

Unconditional love

Unconditional love is a nice word pairing — kind of like steak and Merlot; but most people don’t really know what it means.  We can’t do unconditional love.  We can’t figure it out.  We can’t pretend it.  Love doesn’t have power until it’s unconditional, and it isn’t unconditional until we let go of our false definitions of love.  Sometimes, that’s a long list.

False love is power over another — possession, fear-driven, and controlling.  It only has the power that we believe it has.  True unconditional love is a creative, healing, and unlimited power.  But we can’t fake it until we make it.  The way out is awkward, emotional, and often scary.

Often we wake up one day and realize that all the things we thought we loved about others aren’t real; their masks are covering something we don’t want to see.  But True love doesn’t turn away because when we remember another’s True Self by letting go of the false we see in them, we meet them at the True Self level.  Then we see our own reflection and it’s fucking awesome.   And I know that you know exactly what I mean.

Love is Love and Sex is Sex

Stormy, the sex therapist

I realized the truth about sex from watching Stormy (above). When she didn’t want sex, she kicked the living shit out of the stallion; and she didn’t feel guilty after she did it.

By Cathy Eck

 

Love is Love and Sex is Sex

Many years ago, my friend Susan called me and said, “Hey Cathy.  Got some business for you.”

“What is it?” I asked.  One never knew what Susan was thinking.

“My friend wants a reading from you.”

“Reading?  Susan have you lost your mind?  Since when do I give readings?”

“When someone asks you to,”  she answered confidently.

“I can’t do readings.  Tell her no.”

“She’s willing to pay $300.”

“Okay, tell her yes.”

We talked for a bit, and Susan explained that her friend Bonnie found the friendly advice I gave to Susan helpful.  She wanted some for herself; but since we weren’t friends, she assumed she had to pay me.  So we renamed our interaction a consulting session and moved forward.

Bonnie came to my condo and plopped three Benjamins on the table.  Then she said, “I have one question.”

“Okay, lay it on me.”

“I’m in love with my farrier, but I’m married.  My farrier comes to do my horses’ shoes and I do him instead.  I don’t want to divorce my husband, and I don’t want to quit having sex with the farrier because it is sooooo good.”

I spoke what came to mind without judgment; after a short pause to check my emotions.  I answered:

Love is Love and Sex is Sex.  Don’t confuse them.

 

Bonnie looked at me with the most curious look.  Then she slapped a twenty dollar tip on the table, said “Thank you so much.”  She hugged me, and left.  Later Susan said that Bonnie told everyone about the amazing advice I gave her.

I was kind of dumbfounded by my own advice.  It took me awhile to really get it.  We usually link love and sex together.  Sex is often considered proof or a consequence of love.

But sex is only the effect of two possible desires:  Pleasure, in which case sex is no different from playing tennis or watching movies, and creation, which we don’t want very often.  Just ask Stormy the pony.

We make a huge mess of sex when we label it making love.  Sex is not love unless you bring love to it.  Sex is not spiritual unless you bring spirituality to it.  Contrary to the belief of many men, if you don’t get sex, you don’t die.  It’s not a need.  We don’t even need it very often to perpetuate the species.  If it became necessary, I’m sure our True Self would create a desire for it.

 

Rape and Adultery

Sex is mostly a want, an activity that can be fun.  It can also be horrible if the desire isn’t  mutual.  If rape is defined as nonconsensual sex, then rape is very normal; except we relabel it guilt or makeup sex.  In homes all over the world, one partner is manipulating the other to get them into the mood and fulfill their desire.  The moments when sex and love coexist are probably quite rare.

Then there are the religious zealots who judge gay sex when clergy themselves have been doing it for centuries.  If it sends you to hell, than hell is already full of Catholic priests.  Sex is just sex; and if we took all the baggage out of it, and only did it when it was win-win for everyone involved, life would be so simple.

What about adultery?  The Bible says adultery is bad, and people assume that it refers to sex outside of marriage.  But the Bible is a text for the mind, not the body.  Even Jesus said that adultery happens in the mind.

In the ancient world, the only real marriage was the alchemical marriage in our mind.  The alchemical marriage meant that your male mind and your female mind were in harmony.  If the male mind aspect didn’t listen to his feminine, and instead listened to someone outside of his own mind, he committed mental adultery.  In short, accepting another’s beliefs was adultery.  The very act of following religion is actually adultery according to the ancient masters because you’re not following your own True Self, your own inner God.

So while many consider sex outside of marriage taboo, others actually consider it normal especially if their True Self coaxes them into the experience.  Jealousy and possessiveness create relationship problems, not sex.  When sex leads to love, we fall in love; and falling is never pretty.  When unconditional love leads to sex; we don’t make much fuss about it.

 

Take the Taboo Out, and the Urge Disappears

One day, a young Hasidic Jew called me for mentoring.  He was the coolest kid; I just loved him.  He said, “I’m supposed to be so religious, and all I can think about is pornography.”  I didn’t judge him, I told him that he should look at it as art and enjoy it.

“That’s it?” he said.

“Yep that’s it.”  I knew that when something taboo becomes acceptable, it looses its attraction.  In his case, the results were very quick.  He called me back an hour later and said, “I don’t want to do it anymore.  It’s no longer fun.”  We both cracked up.  I simply tricked him into letting go of his judgment.

When Adam and Eve’s fall became about sex; and sex became evil and sinful, we all wanted more of it.  But when sex falls off its pedestal and just becomes sex, all the problems, compulsions, and suffering vanish.  Like everything else in life, it becomes what you make of it.  It becomes a creative tool in your life toolbox.

When this mental transformation occurs, our true unconditional love shines through.  Then we realize that all that sex stuff was a whole bunch of nothing.

 

On a related topic, learn about mental virginity here.