Eliminating Right and Wrong Through Win-Win

Jesus and food

By Cathy Eck

 

Win-Win Thinking Instead of Right and Wrong

Win-win thinking isn’t easy to apply.  Most humans believe that if everyone thought like them, the world would be perfect.  Win-win thinking is about letting go of our beliefs, even if we aren’t really wrong by appearances, social protocol, or religious standards.  It’s about resisting the temptation to force others to accept or support our perspective of right and wrong.  When we force others to think like us, even if we speak the truth, we get a false self connection with them.  When we let go, we move into a True Self connection; that’s what we really want with everyone.  A True Self connection is our natural state of unity; a false self connection is possession.

A few days ago, I was out taking a walk.  Two of my housemates apparently got into a discussion while I was gone over the right and wrong of drinking wine.  Both of them are Evangelical Christians so you wouldn’t expect them to disagree.  The woman said that drinking is wrong because her pastor says so; Jesus drank only grape juice.  The man said that Jesus drank wine and even made water into wine.  The woman then countered that if Jesus made it, it was special wine, not like the wine we buy at the store.  By the time I returned, they were no longer fighting.  I didn’t know anything about the disagreement.

Soon I learned what transpired while I was gone because each side made comments that showed the argument was still bothering them. My perspective wasn’t even within the scope of the argument so I didn’t get involved.  However, comments about the argument kept arising in conversation; I realized that it was time for me to step back and look at the situation from win-win.  There was clearly something for me to learn.  I couldn’t just ignore the argument even if I wasn’t a participant; I had to make sure my mind was clear of right and wrong.  In that way, I could be a clear influence that might help them resolve their conflict more easily.

 

Grape Juice Argument

The grape juice argument is clearly win-lose.  She was saying that if you drink wine, you’re a sinner.  She was wielding her superiority position over the other by saying she was the right one; and he was wrong.  Naturally, this didn’t bring out the best in her opponent.

This was a familiar situation for me.  I’d often been viewed as wrong by others who had strong beliefs.  Their rightness depended on my wrongness.  They wanted me to submit to their point of view and admit they’re rightness.  I could see that people with beliefs assume you are opposing them if you just don’t share their belief.

 

Wine Argument

The man who voted for drinking wine had the natural win-win position.  The woman could choose juice and not be wrong in his perspective.  However, I learned later that he was trying to coax the woman to have a glass of wine.  So he compromised his naturally more expansive and win-win position by trying to get her to let go of her position and join him.

I’d been here too — often with loved ones.  I’d try to push them to let go, and I got caught in their illusionary battle over right and wrong.  Now there were two drowning minds in the sea of limitation.  I remembered that win-win means allowing the other to have their beliefs and suffer the consequences of them.

 

Expansion is the Goal

The goal of initiation was to let go of all beliefs.  Initiates didn’t care if others had beliefs because they didn’t believe anything that wasn’t true.  They didn’t accept limitation or the notion of right and wrong.  They suggested letting go, but never forced others to do so.

When people have a strong belief, they go looking for support.  They often want to force the other to support their point of view.  If we want support for the truth, we are holding truth as a belief.  When we downgrade the truth to a belief, it has no power.  We stop feeling the need for support.  

 

Eliminating Right and Wrong

When we get down to the basics, people have a right to do whatever they want to themselves.  Neither the man or the woman’s beliefs were harmful for the other if they each followed their own beliefs.  In a world where beliefs still exist, this is often the best possible outcome.

Ideally, if the people with the most limiting beliefs always let go and joined the more expansive perspective, we’d soon find ourselves all living in paradise. But not everyone wants to let go at this time.  So we must let go of our belief that other people’s beliefs can harm us or limit our life experience.  We tend to fear people with stronger or more limiting beliefs because we’ve all had people impose their beliefs on us in the past.  We’ve felt our world get smaller when others forced their beliefs on us.

If we recognize the beliefs of others as false, they won’t affect our life.  We don’t have to accept the beliefs of even one other; and we can let go of those we’ve already accepted.  Eventually, those with the least beliefs will lead the best lives.  When that happens, we won’t have to encourage anyone to let go.  They will see the obvious benefit and motivate themselves.

Bottom line…my housemate’s argument was absurd.  The very person they fought over said, “Listen and understand! It is not what goes into your mouth that makes you ritually unclean; rather, what comes out of it makes you unclean.”  Jesus didn’t care what people drank.  He cared what people said or believed.

Sadly, my housemates’ disagreement created separation; in truth, they were two friends who loved each other enough to expose beliefs that kept each of them from freedom.  They just don’t realize that yet.

 

How to Get to Win-Win When You Feel Powerless

right and wrong

We can fight forever over who is right and who is wrong; but it’s moving to win-win that ends the battle.

By Cathy Eck

 

Feeling Powerless

People often believe that they can’t get to win-win because they seem powerless in a situation.  This is common for people who let go.  Authority figures often have a smaller perspective than we do.  It’s painful to live or work in their shadow.

Most humans believe that the goal of life and relationships is to prove that their perspective is right or good even when it’s harmful or limiting to others.  While everyone wins with a win-win perspective, if we make win-win the right perspective, battles erupt.  Usually the winner is the one with the most powerful role (the authority playing the masculine role) or the most battle toys.

The one in authority rarely gives up their competitive advantage.  We all must learn how to get to win-win from the seemingly powerless feminine role. This is the true essence and biggest challenge of initiation.  It creates invisible leaders who make everything right without guns, protests, or even charitable contributions.

 

An Example

Jane works as a server in an upscale restaurant known for fine customer service.  Her boss is a real jerk, and no one would deny that.  Jane is a top-notch employee.  Her customers always ask for her.  She receives excellent tips, and her reviews are stellar.  Jane’s boss doesn’t value the customers or employees.  He’s completely disorganized and unfair.  Jane would quit, but she loves her job and her loyal customers.

Most people in Jane’s situation would feel like a victim.  They would feel powerless to change the situation and probably spend a lot of time whining and complaining about their boss to friends and family. This is clearly the normal response, but it isn’t effective.  This response doesn’t change anything.  In fact, it makes it worse.  Every time Jane complains about her boss, she’s giving him more power.  She’s unconsciously admitting that his beliefs have power over her.

She could fight with him and try to prove him wrong.  But again she’s giving his beliefs power.  Since he’s the authority, he’s likely to win.

The truth is that anything that’s false has no power at all except that which we give it.  If we truly see the other person’s beliefs as false, then why argue.  They don’t have any power.  We argue because we believe their perspective or position has power.  If they agree with us, they believe they’ve lost even if the outcome is win-win; false selves hate to lose.

If Jane lets go of every belief that gives power to her boss’s perspective, she’ll gain all of her power back.  If she truly reaches this place of clarity; she’ll connect to her boss’s True Self.  They will reach a win-win settlement possibly without even speaking a word.  Often the other person suddenly does things your way, and they are happy to do so; letting go bypasses their win-lose false self.  Obviously wielding such power demands complete integrity.

 

Jane’s Possible Beliefs:

My boss is a jerk.

I’m powerless to change this situation.

This isn’t fair.

I do a good job but get no reward.

No one appreciates my hard work.

I should be treated better.

My boss doesn’t like me.

I don’t know what to do.

I can’t win no matter what I do.

 

Moving Out of Right and Wrong

When our mind is thinking this way, we’re powerless even if everyone agrees that we’re right.  Being right has no more power than being wrong in the illusion.  What has power in the illusion is the mask of authority.  All of the above beliefs generate emotion, proving they’re just beliefs.  None of them are true (even though they are the current reality).  Our current reality is always generated by our past beliefs.  To change reality, we need to let go of the causal beliefs even if we got them from the person we’re fighting.

Right and wrong live at the bottom of the triangle; win-win lives at the top  — the realm of the True Self.  Even if we are on the side of right, we lose in right and wrong because the bottom of the triangle is actually lose-lose.  At its best, living from the false self is an upscale prison.

If Jane lets go of these beliefs and stands in the truth, knowing that she loves her job, always does her best, and is loved by her customers, she’ll be more powerful than her boss’s position or beliefs.  He’ll have to move into win-win.  If he can’t or won’t, he’ll leave the situation because he’ll be stuck with his own emotions.  The discomfort will push him out of the situation naturally.  Authority wins in the illusion because the authority’s facade of power gives them the right to project their emotions, which are caused by them holding false beliefs in their mind, on to those below them (in feminine roles).  This makes them look more powerful and right than they are; feeling their emotions causes us to be unable to discriminate clearly.

The initiate understood that opponents exist to expose beliefs.  If an authority can pull us into their web, they are exposing beliefs that we can let go.  Since the initiate’s goal was a free mind with no beliefs, they welcomed opponents as tests that proved they were masters of letting go.

 

In Summary:  

If we stand completely in our True Self, holding no anger, resentment, or beliefs about the other or ourselves, we’ll win and the other person(s) will win too.  We’ll become invisible leaders and change the world.   This process is completely harmless, totally organic, and absolutely fair.

We won’t change the world by changing the minds of the false leaders, protesting, raising money, or winning wars.  We’ll change the world by letting go of the beliefs the leaders and authorities use to control us.  Truth, fairness, and love will ultimately win.

 

 

The Hidden Lie In “Do You Want to Be Right or Happy?”

Do You want to be right or happy?

By Cathy Eck 

 

Right Or Happy 101

In the early 90’s, I attended the Landmark Forum.  We were given an exercise to call someone with whom we had unfinished business.  The goal was to finish our business with them — to remove any incompletion.

I called my mother.  Growing up, she often threatened to leave us or to kill herself.  I had images burned in my mind from her drama.  I called her at 6:00 AM; and I explained that I was doing this exercise, and I needed to know what in the hell she was thinking.  You know what she said, “Cathy, it never had anything to do with you.  That was one of the many ways that women of my generation got what we wanted from our thick-skulled husbands.  I’m sorry if you thought I was actually going to leave you.  I only did it because it worked.”

I never had a bad feeling again about my mother’s drama because she shared her logic with me.  Once I understood her, I could decide if I agreed or disagreed.  While I refused to use her logic, I could see that it probably would have worked with my equally thick-skulled husband.

So now I was sailing high.  This realization lifted years of weight off my shoulders, and I felt light again.  But then our Forum leader said something that clouded my eyes once again.  He was, of course, talking to a thick-skulled man; and he said, “Do you want to be right or happy?”

I thought, “What a stupid question.” I never thought I had to choose between being right or happy.  Immediately, I thought to myself, “Happy, of course.”  Just then my intellect processed the belief and my baggage returned; my mind said, “Well if you want to be happy, then you can’t be right.”  If you read my post from yesterday, you can probably see that my know-it-all baggage kicked in yet again.

 

Stuck in the Middle With You

I was now stuck in circular reasoning; and I couldn’t get out.  If I was right, according to this leader who was a human behavior authority, then I couldn’t be happy.  If I was right and pretended to be wrong, then I wasn’t happy either.  Right or happy?  Right or happy?  It was tormenting me.  It seemed that this saying had pushed happiness completely out of my life; and my husband played right or happy like a fine violin.

Eventually, I sorted out my circular reasoning by moving out of happy and unhappy, right and wrong, and moving into true and false.  I discovered that choosing between right or happy didn’t make any sense.  They weren’t opposites.  This incident gave birth to the triangle process, which I still use nearly every day.

Right and wrong, good and bad, or happy and unhappy all live at the triangle bottom. When we live at the bottom of the triangle, we move back and forth between the opposites.  The ancients called this being stuck on the cross because you get no forward movement.  At the triangle bottom, you’re stuck in flawed reasoning; and you will not move until you resolve it.  But people don’t see the flaw in their logic because the back and forth movement looks like change.

We see this in politics.  People believe that changing from Republican to Democrat or vice versa is change.  But both are bottom of the triangle perspectives; both are equally full of shit.  When we are stuck at the bottom of the triangle, we think one side is right or good because we can’t see the shadow on the other side.

 

No More Unhappy and Wrong

In my case, I had to realize that I didn’t want to play right and wrong; I wanted to play win-win (top of the triangle).  I could accept any idea where we both won or nothing.  Suddenly, I could see clearly.  My husband’s ideas were always about him winning, meaning that I lost.  Now I had confidence in my decisions, and I didn’t feel guilty for being right.

Then there was happy and unhappy.  Again these are bottom of the triangle states of being.  Happiness is dependent on outer circumstances making us happy.  We get the job, so we are happy; but then we get fired, so we are unhappy.  We have the kids, so we are happy, but then they grow up, and we are unhappy.  We buy the house, so we are happy; but then it needs repairs, so we are unhappy.  You get the gist.  The desire for happiness puts us on a roller coaster.  Joy comes from within.  It is permanent and unconditional.  Joy lives underneath the illusion of happiness; and you find it when you let go of all the things you believe make you happy or unhappy.

 

Finally, I’m Right and Happy

It took me years to unravel this mystery.  Now people learn it in an hour and apply it for a lifetime.  We have the ancient masters to thank.  Everything I write about came from them.  I just translate their clues much like someone translates Hebrew or Greek.  I guess you could say I’m the “Initiate Whisperer.”

My job is to make your journey quicker and easier by giving you their wisdom in modern form.  For me it is very fun because I was wired to do this job.  It is my part of the big picture.

Any yet, for a long time, I resisted sharing what I knew because I was so afraid of being right — and I looked pretty weird.  My baggage put stops up in every direction.  I had a lot to let go.  But eventually, I cleared away the clouds, and I realized that the ancient masters were appealing to me because they thought in win-win terms and because they lived from joy.  In the language of modern bullshit, they were right and happy.

 

Want to know who else reads my blog, here’s the link to my most popular article.

 

Which One of Us is the Idiot? Resolving Right and Wrong

The best books are those with no beliefs.  The empty book

The Bible is like an empty book. What we see inside is a reflection of our own mind.  If our mind is fixed on right and wrong, that is what we see within its pages.

By Cathy Eck 

 

How Do We Know If We Are the Idiot?

A Facebook post inspired this article.  It points to a mind trap that kept me stuck for years and still trips me up from time to time.  It is easily resolvable once you see the trick.

The post had a photo of a Bible; underneath it were the words:

“I believe everything this book says, and I don’t care if you call me an idiot.”  

Right and Wrong?

Another Face of Good and Evil

This Facebook post reflects the current stance of the Fundamentalist movements today.  They feel that their faith is being challenged by nonbelievers.  They are sure they are right; and everyone who doesn’t think as they do is wrong and abusive.  So many people are realizing that religion has simply not worked.  They are eliminating the middle man and doing their best to live from a place of love.  They label themselves spiritual rather than religious.

When we make that shift, the old status quo comes out spitting.  It is like the bully on the playground who hides the fact that he feels powerless.  The bully’s power rests in getting you to accept his powerlessness by convincing you that you are the bad guy, the misfit, the outcast.  The bully projects their imaginary opponent on to you and hopes you’ll accept their projection.

This is where we get tricked if we aren’t wise to their game.  You see, what this Facebook post really says is, “If you don’t believe as I believe, then you think I’m an idiot.”  She is talking to herself explaining her view of the world to us.

We won’t get sucked in to her perspective if we can see that this is all in her mind.  It has nothing to do with us.  She’s stuck in two minds, but she only identifies with one of those minds, the believer.  She is fighting an imaginary battle of right and wrong with an enemy that she has projected.  Her enemy thinks she’s an idiot.  It also keeps her stuck in her own illusion.

We clearly don’t want to enter her world.  So we have to avoid the temptation to give her what she wants, which is to label her an idiot or get angry at her projection.   If she gets us to go there, she’s got the power.  We prove her illusion right, and we won’t do very well in her world.

 

The Right and Wrong Power Game

This is a frequent power strategy in the illusion.  The winners of the illusion do this masterfully, and they rule the world.  The goal of the false self is to exalt itself within the illusion.  It believes that it is right, and you are wrong.  It is good and you’re evil.  If it can get you into the illusion in this way, it wins and you lose.  Guaranteed!

The first time I saw this was in a Catholic church.  The priest gave a sermon on judgment.  Since I didn’t perceive him as an authority, I could see that he was talking to himself.  The congregation that he pretended to talk to were just his own projection; the people he judged.  But everyone else saw him as an authority so they all believed what he said.  They saw themselves as judgmental and felt bad about themselves after the sermon.  He was reinforcing the belief that the church planted in them long ago, which was that they were sinners.  I didn’t have that planted belief; so he looked like the fraud that he was to me.

I wish I could say that I didn’t fall into the same trap in my life, but my own authorities did the same number on me.  This is how we all fall into the illusion.  But we can dig our way out when we resolve right and wrong within our own minds.

 

Resolving Right and Wrong

Last week I watched a PBS special on Abraham Lincoln.  They said that during the Civil War, Lincoln faced a deep dilemma.  He saw two opposing sides, and both thought that God wanted them to win.  Both saw the other as the evil enemy.  Who was right in God’s eyes?  He struggled and struggled with this moral issue.

This is the dilemma of the world right now.  We all seeing opposing forces everywhere and don’t know which is right and which is wrong.  When everyone looks good, who is telling the truth; who is lying?  Who is good and who is evil?  Who can we trust?  These are questions that have the potential to push us to freedom.

When I heard about this moment in Lincoln’s life, I resonated completely; and I knew how powerful that experience must have been for him.  When we have a moment where two opposing sides both sound plausible, we have our moment where the truth can shine through.  But we must recognize that both sides are false opponents fighting their own inner battles.  The truth has no opponent; you can’t find it in duality.

Lincoln had to step out of religion and politics and get to what mattered, which was freeing the slaves.  For me, freedom is always the key.  Every time this sort of situation comes in my life, my mind, I have to recognize that if I oppose their belief, I’m an idiot in equal measure.  I’m stuck in their right and wrong world.

But if I allow both sides to be wrong (including my side if I’m involved in the conflict), the truth rises right out of the darkness.  It is just like parting the Red Sea.  The conflict disappears and only the truth remains.

 

The triangle process is very helpful in deciphering the truth hidden under right and wrong.