People Who Need People Are the Most Dysfunctional People in the World

Barbra Streisand

Barbra Streisand’s mega hit, “People,” gave fuel to the fire of codependence where needing and enabling join dysfunctional forces.

What Do We Really Need?

I’ll be honest.  I’ve always hated that song, “People,” by Barbra Streisand.  My mother was a huge Streisand fan, and she played that song over and over when I was a child.  Something about those words just didn’t feel right.

Then I became an adult, and I understood why.  People who need people are not lucky, they are dysfunctional.  That song is right up there with Jerry Maguire’s, “You complete me.”  They are sentiments that fuel codependency and living life as half of a person.

My mother-in-law loved when her kids were sick or had problems because they needed her.  That’s not loving, that’s dysfunctional.

My husband used to say, “I need you to greet me at the door when I come home.”  No he doesn’t.  He can like when I greet him at the door; but if he needs it, he’s dysfunctional.

I had employees that needed me to solve their problems; one day, I got so mad that I put up a sign that said, “I’m no longer your problem fixer.”  

Let’s get real.  We need air, water, and food.  That’s it.

Men say we need sex, but we don’t.  We won’t die without sex.  With modern technology, we don’t even need sex to reproduce.  Everything beyond food, water, and air is a want.  Wants are not bad and fulfilling someone desires can be fun, but we are manipulating others when we label our wants as “needs.

 

People Who Need People Have Baggage

People who need people are hungry for approval.  People who need people are lonely.  People who need people are sometimes incompetent.  People who need people fear rejection.  People who need people are often codependent.  People who need people are NOT lucky.  They are in need of mental healing, which is not a bad thing.  Pretending we don’t need healing when we do is a bad thing.

Codependence is a sneaky trick that our mind plays on us.  It pretends to be good.  There is a story about people with a giant pot of soup and spoons that are all too long.  It was said that in heaven, they fed each other.  In hell, they starved.  But why would you have spoons that don’t work in heaven?  The story is a mess.  A truly independent person would figure out a different way to hold the spoon.  They would go find a cup or scoop it with their hands.  This is simply another form of the same, “people who need people,” trap.

 

How Do People Who Need People Fix This?

Fixing the problem is not about being a martyr and doing without.  It is about recognizing the part of the need that is false, and letting that go.  When I believe that I need something from someone, I observe my mind.  I take my attention off the other person.  My mind wants to make the other bad for not fixing my need.  But they aren’t bad.  This is my baggage, not theirs.  Often I feel unloved, unheard, or unappreciated.  Everything my mind says feels bad.  That means it is not true so I let each thought go.  I am finished letting go when I can finally see that I don’t need the other to do anything.  I’m done when I unconditionally love them.

 

The Other Side of People Who Need People

People who need people often project their need out on to other people.  I’ve often felt as if I was being coerced into playing the need fulfillment role .

The needy person pretends to be in the feminine role; they want to receive.  But they are demanding receipt so they are really playing the masculine (assertive) role.  This is why codependence is so confusing.  The people who need people are the ones bringing the problem to the relationship.  But they make their request as if the person they need is the problem.

The feminine role is not about being a slave, caretaker, or about receiving orders; the feminine role is about receiving love.  Giving your need to someone to fulfill is not giving them love.

I’ll be honest.  When someone throws a need at me that isn’t real, I can’t bring myself to do it.  It is often infused with guilt or shame.  If I don’t respond to their need, they tell me that I’m selfish, bad, or someone who is rude and doesn’t care.  They are wrong.  They are playing a game invented by religion called, “Make the other feel guilt or shame for not doing what you want them to do.”

If we stay clear and don’t fix their need, we actually support the needy person’s spiritual growth instead of enabling them.  Enabling is not love; it is actually hate or fear disguised as love.

 

People Who Need People Signals Dysfunction

The more I let go, the less I need people.  This is because letting go eliminates problems, so you don’t need others to fix a problem you don’t have.  When you no longer need people, you can enjoy them.  You can dream with them.  You can play with them.  You can really listen to them.  You become truly functional.

There are people who need people who won’t let go of their need.  So what do you do?  You fix your own mind, and let them go.  You let go of your need for them in your life, and allow them to find someone else who wants to complete their dysfunction.  When it comes to neediness, sometimes the best love you can give is to leave the relationship.

People who need people can be like crabs in a pot, they don’t want you to get out of your shared misery.  Read more here.

 

Photo Credit: Al Ravenna, World Telegram staff photographer [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Mental Healing Using the Law of Cause and Effect

The Law of Cause and Effect Explained

By Cathy Eck

The Law of Cause and Effect Was Lost

My work is usually the last resort for people.  When traditional problem solving methods don’t work, the ideas of the ancient world start to look attractive.  In truth, it should be the other way around.  The ancient teachings should the first resort because we have nothing to lose by trying them.

Humans have been tragically programmed to fix the effect of problems.  The law of cause and effect has been buried in the sands of time. I first discovered the law of cause and effect as an entrepreneur designing computer systems.  The diagram above demonstrates the typical flow of information through the computer.  It seemed obvious to me that fixing a computer system required repairing the input first and the processes second.  It seemed utterly stupid to fix the effects.  Yet company after company wasted unbelievable sums of money fixing effects.  When I appeared and fixed the input, people acted like I just walked on water; I saved them huge sums of money.  I simply applied the law of cause and effect.

 

Healing with the Law of Cause and Effect

Let’s apply the law of cause and effect to repairing our bodies.  Lets say that a woman has a serious rash on her arm.  A doctor would prescribe something to fix the rash, a cream or pill; medicine fixes the effect.  The doctor might ask, “How did you get the rash?”  The information they obtain might lead to a better diagnosis or a more natural cure.

Asking how supplies a physical cause, but the law of cause and effect demands that we find the mental cause.  The ancients said that in the law of cause and effect, all is mental.

The law of cause and effect works best with why questions.  “Why did you get the rash?”  This question leads our subject backward in time.  Her first answers might be superficial like, “I needed to weed the garden.”  If she lets the superficial answers go without ruminating about them, she will find a deeper layer.  “I needed to get out of the house.  I wanted to find peace of mind.”  And if she goes deeper, she finds:  “I need to get out of this marriage.  My skin crawls when I’m with my husband.”  Now some might say that she’s found the cause.  Our subject needs to leave her marriage.  We’ve moved from effect to the program or action (the center of our diagram above), but we are not yet at the mental cause.

 

Following the Why

So we keep going and shift the question, “Why does he make your skin crawl?”  This is the perfect shifting question because of the reference to skin.  “He looks at me like all he wants is sex.  He acts like I’m there to serve him.”  The conversation is still about him and what he does, so we need another why question to turn the corner and get back to the real cause, which is always in our own mind.  We are not milking the law of cause and effect for all it is worth until we are at our own mental cause.

“Why does his look bother you?”  “I feel like my only value is to please him. I feel unloved for who I am.  I can’t say no.  I can’t get him to understand how I feel.”  The answers point to a superficial relationship, a perfect metaphor.  A skin rash has a superficial appearance of something much deeper.

Now that she has found a mental cause, she can look for why she has those beliefs.  They all feel bad; so none of them are true.  She can ask, “Why do I feel unloved for who I am?  Why can’t I say no?”  She might remember a past memory, or another belief might pop up.  The key is to keep asking why like a treasure hunter looking for the chest of gold.  You know you’ve found the gold when you see how you created the situation, and you realize that it was all an illusion, a mental construct.

 

Don’t Wallow in the Answers 

The reason people don’t find the cause is that they get emotionally caught up in the answers.  They stop the hunt too soon.  We must remember that the emotions we feel remind us that we are following a chain of lies.  When we think false beliefs or thoughts, we get emotions.  As we let go of the beliefs, the emotions dissolve.  When we let go of the cause, the emotions will completely disappear because  they are no longer necessary.

If our subject blames her husband, she won’t go any deeper.  She will never find the cause.  She’ll want to talk about her victim status and about her husband’s asinine behavior.  She must we willing to let go at each level and keep following the chain of beliefs.

When she finds the mental cause, she must let it go too.  If it is truly the cause of the relationship issue and the skin rash, then all the problems in that chain will start to repair themselves.  Her husband might change, or he might ask for an amicable divorce.  Her body’s natural healing mechanism will kick in, and her rash will start to disappear.  She might notice that she finally feels loved and heard.  The results will be that which is best for all concerned.  Letting go puts us back on our true path.

In the ancient world, this was true healing. It was permanent healing that never needed to be repeated.  Best of all, anyone can do it.  It works for all sorts of problems.  It costs nothing.  According to the ancients, when you use the law of cause and effect, nothing is incurable or impossible.

 

Click here for more on the Law of Cause and Effect.