Intimidation and Interrogation Exposed

Control Dramas

By Cathy Eck

Control Dramas

In James Redfield’s, “The Celestine Prophecy”  the characters discover that there’s a power battle among humans for energy.  There are four major control dramas that people use to steal power from others.  Those four control dramas are intimidation, interrogation, aloofness, and victimhood (poor me).

These four control dramas are the master tools of the false self.  To free ourselves from playing any of them, we must first excavate the ones we cannot see within our own mind.

Intimidation and interrogation are assertive masculine control energies.  They come from our male side, but women also have a male side.  Aloofness and victimhood are receptive feminine energies.  But again, men have a feminine side.  The drama we choose is dependent on our role, not our sex.

When someone wants power over another, they intimidate them with beliefs and threats, or they interrogate them with unanswerable questions.  The recipient of the masculine power-play either backs away (aloofness) or whines and vents (victimhood).

Intimidation generally causes victimhood, and interrogation causes aloofness.  These matched pairs made in hell sit at the bottom of the triangle.  To let them go, we must let go of both sides of the pair even though we’re usually only aware of one side.  The other side is played by another person.

If we appear aloof, we have both intimidation and aloofness within our mind.  We identify with only one side in any given interaction based on our masculine or feminine role.  To see the other side, we have to look at our partner in crime.

 

Intimidation and Interrogation

Intimidators bully others.  They use rules, the false God’s way of thinking, or out-of-context Bible verses for their justification.  They’re never in win-win, and what they say never feels good.  If they were aware of their emotions, they’d notice them screaming.  But they’re completely rooted in their intellect.  So the emotions usually show up in the object of their attention.

The natural response to intimidation is victimhood.  However, master intimidators play both sides of the mask.  When they’re intimidating another, they’re right.  When another beats them at their logic, they’re a victim.  They’re always on the good side; anyone who opposes them is bad.  Intimidators train their children to be intimidators or victims by demanding that they meet their standards of good.

Interrogators ask questions that can’t be answered or don’t accept any answer as right.  I used to try to answer interrogator’s questions.  Then I realized that they didn’t want answers; they wanted me to waste my energy trying to answer them.  Master interrogators don’t answer questions — they’re aloof and believe the other has no right to ask.  

Intimidation gets people to follow stupid rules.  Intimidators are big on reward and punishment.  People who’ve been raised by intimidators often become overly complementary; they stroke egos out of fear.

Interrogation starts when we’re young, and we reflect our parents baggage.  While swimming in their thought soup, we do something they detest.  We are mirroring the part of their mind that they can’t see.  They say, “Why did you do that?”  We don’t know because we’re mirroring them.  People with strong interrogators early in life often compensate by becoming lawyers or policemen so they can get it out in an appropriate way.  Others become permanent students believing they must find the answer or they’ll die.

 

Using Intimidation and Interrogation

Intimidation and interrogation can actually be useful in helping us to undo our own false self.  I learned from a master interrogator and a genius intimidator that arguing didn’t work, great logic didn’t work, and running didn’t work.  But turning inward WORKED.

I had to get rid of their voice in my own mind.  Before someone intimidates us the first time, they install a belief that they have authority to do so.  Before the interrogator asks the first question, they install the belief that they have the right to. After the causal belief is installed, we’re fully in their mental world playing the role they want us to play.  By the time, we’re old enough to step out of their world, our mind has both control dramas within it.  Circumstances and relationships demonstrate this, but often we cling to one side because if offers the best chance of winning or looking good.

As I witnessed my feelings looking for the causal belief, it was the intimidator or the interrogator in my life whose voice was speaking.  My fear of them caused me to put their rulebook of beliefs in my mind so I could avoid their wrath.  There was no mean God; but there were mean men (and occasional mean woman playing a male role) in my life.

When I found a belief that pretended it was true, I turned my inner intimidator and interrogator loose on it.  If an intimidator originally put the belief in, I intimidated the hell out of that belief.  I let it know it had no power.  If necessary, I interrogated my belief and asked it why it thought I needed it.  Then I’d tell it how wrong it was.  You see, you say all the things to the belief that you want to say to the person.  Once your mind is free; the other can’t run their control drama on you.  You’ll see it for what it is, and you might be able to help them undo their control dramas.

Now my false self was working for my True Self.  Instead of an annihilation, letting go became more like a clean up job.  My True Self felt supported, powerful, and loved.  That was what counted.  I’d been looking for support and love all my life outside, when what I really wanted was my own false self to support my True Self.

In win-win, both people move closer to their True Selves.  Therefore, when any false self loses power, it’s win-win although you probably won’t get a thank you card.  When people’s control dramas stop working, they stop using them.

 

 

How Do You Know if it’s True Love?

Unconditional love Sun

The sun symbolized unconditional love in the ancient world because it gives without conditions.

By Cathy Eck

Knowing True Love

Love is a very confusing subject.  We talk about “falling” in love as a good thing.    People attach sex, romance, and chemistry to love, which nearly guarantees our fall.  One thing for sure, true love is never found in the traditional ball-and-chain relationship.  True love is like the sun; it is what we experience when we give  unconditionally.

I have to admit, “falling” in love took me on a giant life detour.  I buried my True Self with beliefs in relationship.  But one day, I could no longer pretend that fallen love was the real deal.  I wanted only True Love, and I was willing to do what it took to find it.  I didn’t yet realize I had it all along.

 

False Love Languages

Recently, Oprah interviewed Gary Chapman, the best-selling author of “The Five Love Languages.”  His book sold millions of copies; people credit it with saving their marriages.  However, Mr. Chapman has a severe case of true love and false love level confusion. The book should be called, “The Five False Love Languages.”

You take a questionnaire to find your love language — or what you need to feel loved.  Then your partner is supposed to give you what you need, i.e., speak your love language.  The author said the best question to ask your partner is, “What do I need to do to fill your love tank?”  To me that sounded more like a question a perverted gas station attendant would ask.

The love languages were as follows:

Words of Affirmation

Quality Undivided Attention

Gifts

Doing Acts of Service

Physical Touch

Here’s the key.  Our natural true masculine state of being gives unconditionally (like the sun); our natural true feminine state reflects (moon) or absorbs (earth).  We all have both masculine and feminine aspects within our minds that ideally work together.

In relationship, we play the masculine or feminine role; we project the other role out and interact with it.  If the one in the masculine role is giving true love, the feminine reflects it back.  The love continues to flow endlessly.

In true love, our True Self gives what we love to give.  If we’re joyous, we give joy.  If we’re wise, we give wisdom.  If we are spontaneous, we share our spontaneity.  If we’re funny, we make the other laugh.  The love we feel in this giving is the reconnection of two True Selves (often called soul mates), each playing a different role.  This giving is effortless; we don’t wear out giving our True Self because it is unlimited.

We actually feel love when we give it; but our false self tells us we feel it when we receive it.  

This is where people get confused.  You can see this clearly in the parent-child relationship.  When the baby first arrives, you feel so much love because you see only perfection in the baby even though the child is just eating and pooping.  You give unconditional love to the child.  They reflect your true love back.

Since you feel love, you think the child is giving love to you.  But what you’re feeling is the purity and lack of emotion that occurs when you think loving true thoughts.  You don’t yet have beliefs about the child.

 

Why Does True Love End

Eventually, the child does something that we label “bad,” and they feel the disconnection from the parent.  They eventually find the key to fixing that disconnect and that becomes part of their love language.  Maybe they hug the parent, now hugs mean that everything is okay.  We are connected again.  Love goes from unconditional giving to fixing the lack of love with behaviors.  If love morphs into sacrifice or duty, we’ve about hit bottom.

“The Five Love Languages” provides a fix for this false love dilemma.  The test exposes the childhood wound that needs fuel.  So if the person fills our empty tank with a kind word or touch, we feel loved for a little while.  But just like our gas tank, it will soon be empty again.

 

Fixing the Cause

We hug the person at intermittent intervals and this fixes the effect (empty tank) instead of the cause (childhood wound).  But come on, is that hug really love or is it just socially-acceptable manipulation?

The initiates said that it’s stupid to fix effects.  They’re right.  Do you really want to fill tanks with gifts, touches, doing laundry, or words of affirmation for the rest of your life?  Most of us do until we just can’t do it even one more time; then we run like hell, die, or wake up.

The goal of initiation was to live a life of unconditional love.  When the initiates reached this state, they were said to be like Gods (or like the sun).  They were powered by fuel that never runs out.

Initiates never played games; they’d never be half of a whole.  Two initiates would be two whole people that make more than the sum of one plus one.  They would be a creative partnership where each wants what the other’s True Self naturally gives.  When you step on the path of initiation, you stop filling tanks.  But you will help another heal their wounds and return to true love.

The good news is that you don’t need to know anyone’s love language because that isn’t true love anyway.  True love is natural, and we never get tired of expressing it.  The more we give true love, the more true love we feel.  That is because true love was perfectly designed to be felt when we gave it.  In that way, the love you feel is only limited by your beliefs, which limit your capacity to give.  That is insanely fair because everyone can give unconditional love, even when they are completely alone.

 

photo credit: Kuzeytac (will be back soon) via photopin cc

Eliminating Our Inner Opponent

Our opponent appears to be outside of us, but it is within.

Our opponents appear to be outside of us but they’re actually projections of our own minds.

By Cathy Eck

 

Creating Our Opponent

The ancient masters taught that any opponent is always our own mental projection.  If we realized that we only fight our own false self’s projections, we’d stop fighting.  We’d laugh at our own stupidity.  But our projections look so damn real, and we keep finding people to play opponent roles; so it is understandable that no one sees through the illusion.

As humans became civilized, we began to see ourselves in different roles creating an illusion of separation.  Suddenly we focused more on our differences than our unity.  God became male and moved from inside of us to outside of us; then he started barking orders.

Seeing humans as separate entities had its benefits.  We could now compete against each other based on skill.  We could focus on a specific role and perfect it.  We could offer different perspectives and pretend to discover things about each other.  We could entertain each other.

But, the experiment went too far.  We didn’t just use separation for fun and creation; we used to create a feared or hated opponent.  We created opposition (good and evil), which became the main course in our illusory dinner of life.  God even got an opponent, Satan.

 

Our Illusory Opponent

The ancient masters explained that our True Self is singular and unified.  Likewise, the True God has no opponent.  But that united God is not the one that people worship.  They worship the false God that is projected from their own mind because they fear that God.  The True God doesn’t need worshipping; s/he gives without demanding something in return.

We can understand the mind of any person by understanding their view of God.  Some see God as jealous.  Others see him as judgmental, punishing, or angry.  Some see him as supportive but having the potential to become unsupportive if they disobey.  Some see God as supporting them and hating others creating false elevation and success.  You might notice that all of these God views are very human-like.  We’d expect a divine God to be a bit more mature if we thought about it and didn’t just blindly listen to what others taught us.

The goal of initiation was to transform our notion of God.  When initiation was complete, God was back inside of our mind and heart as our all loving True Self with no opponent.  Our world then reflected that love by showing us peace, freedom, and joy.

Our projected God is usually much like our dominant parent, often our father.  My father was critical; so I believed that God criticized everything I did.  The opponent to that God gave false praise.  My Satan sounded nice, but the compliments didn’t mean anything and often took me down the wrong path if I listened to them.

Wars, bullying, and domestic conflicts are caused by people fighting their own projected opponent.  Terrorists are the projection of inner terrorists.  September 11th was the projection of George W., and it makes sense because he is an Evangelical Christian fighting good and evil.  He thought he was the good guy; so his mind invented an opponent.  Conspiracy theorists often recognize projection, but then they make it literal and true creating a bigger mess.  They think the person is doing it on purpose; however, people really believe their opponent is real and dangerous.  They even see themselves as having noble or righteous intentions when they warn us of their own projection.

 

Half Truths

False minds are filled with half-truths, and half-truths are false.  Half truths aren’t problematic unless we judge them as right and wrong or good and evil.  Once we split truth into parts, we identify with one part of the split.  The other half (or other parts) are said to live in our subconscious, but that is false.  The other parts are actually completely conscious, and they shows up in our opponent or opponents.

People presume that their other half is a soul mate, the love of their life.  Our other half is actually our greatest enemy because it is the false self that is split; our True Self sees everyone as a soul mate.  The more emotional chemistry we have with someone, the more likely they are our false self’s other half.  We often marry them or go to work for them, which forces us to deal with our inner opponent.

 

Eliminating Our Inner Opponent

Let’s say you have a boss who criticizes you.  The way to eliminate this person from your life is to discover the belief within you that allows him or her to exist in your world.  That belief is resting in your mind, and you know when you’ve found it because thinking it triggers emotion (presuming you aren’t psychologically reversed).  We must remember that beliefs that have emotion attached to them are false, not true.  What we call emotion is actually the feeling of truth splitting into parts called beliefs (like a zipper being unzipped).

The beliefs (split truths) we hold in mind come from all of the false voices in our minds, which are the minions of our false God.  We recreate our parents, teachers, clergy, and  other authority figures in different bodies over the course of our life unless we eliminate our beliefs.

To eliminate our inner opponent, the ancients said that we must examine our own mind and let go of each false belief like we are cutting through a mountain creating a tunnel to the other side.  Eventually, we break through, but while we are cutting away we have no idea how close or far away we are from the destination.  We don’t see the light until we are done.

 

I also discuss the shadow in The Good Shadow of Bad Pirates. 

 

 

Ending the Fighting, Living from Win-Win

Change our mind Change the World

By Cathy Eck

 

Fighting Versus Win-Win

In the path of initiation, our mind unravels in three levels of reality.  The first level disappears when our personal reality shifts, and we are left with an understanding of who we are and where we fit in the world.  The second level involves our relationship to others, and the third involves our relationship to the world.  This second-level event in my life didn’t make any sense when it happened in the early 90’s, and it was profoundly embarrassing.  Now I look back and just smile.

Until 1997, I owned a technology business.  My company was hired by a nonprofit organization, run by several retired generals, to design and implement a new membership and accounting system.   I partnered with another company owned by my friend Barry, who happened to be Middle Eastern.  Barry and I completed many projects together; this would be easy for us.

Within a few weeks of implementation, Barry and I noticed some things that the generals didn’t consider.  We saw opportunities to improve their system by upgrading things and shifting the paper flow.  So we went to meet with the generals.  Barry explained the situation, but clearly their bias toward his nationality and accent started to kick in.  They got very angry with him.

 

The Feminine Speaks

I had no idea what came over me, but I started to cry.  This was not what a professional did.  I tried to mask the tears by pretending to rub my eyes, only causing mascara to smear on my face and make things worse.  One general looked at me and said, “Something wrong?” in a general-like voice.

I cut loose.  “We came here to tell you how we could make your system better.  We are offering to do more work for the same money, giving you more than you asked for.  All you can hear is that we want an extra week to do it.  You act like you’re fighting a war when we’re on the same fucking team.  I just don’t know if I can work with assholes like you.  Life works better when you don’t perceive everyone as the enemy to be defeated.  But how would you know that?”  I fully expected that they would fire me and ask for their deposit to be returned.  But I didn’t care.  Barry was my friend and partner; and I had his back.

The head general looked at the others and said, “She’s right.  We do approach everything in this stupid organization like we’re at war.  Quite frankly, I’m sick of it too.  We can’t even recognize when someone is doing us a favor.”  He looked at me and said, “I’m so sorry; take as long as you need.”  We proceeded with the job and everything was perfect after that.

The next week, the general took me to lunch.  He said that he didn’t know how to thank me.  I had broken his military mindset; he felt human again.  He winked and said his wife adored the new man he’d become.  We remained friends until I moved away.  He sent me tons of business and became one of my biggest supporters.

 

The Power of Win-Win

What happened that day looked like pure magic.  But it’s boilerplate for how our emotions are designed to work.  When the generals started behaving from win-lose, I showed emotion.  They played the fallen masculine, and I played the feminine reflection.  When the general got the message and moved to win-win, the emotions stopped; and we easily came to a perfect resolution.

I didn’t consciously know what I was doing at the time; but some part of me did.  It is the template for the perfect male-female win-win relationship in the outer world and the perfect male-female mind relationship in the inner world (the alchemical marriage).

 

Emotions Lead to The Causal Belief

Once I accepted win-win as my new way of living, I discovered the power of emotions and how they could lead us to our beliefs.  I eventually learned how to let go of our beliefs and remain in win-win.

Not everyone was like my general friend.  Most people wanted to hold on to the fight and continue to go for the win.  But as I cleared more and more of my own win-lose mindset, they’d usually go fight with someone else.

After that day, giving in to win-lose interactions felt horrible.  The other person wanted win-win too, but they didn’t know it.  So even when they won our win-lose conflict, they fought more.  Win-lose is the root of all addictions and problems.  The more you chip away at the pile of bullshit that forms it, the less you want to play the games.

 

Tragedies are Caused by Win-Lose

People create tragedies just to experience win-win. The initiated said that we lose our power over nature and she screams when we forgot that we were born to cooperate.  As above, so below means that the world works the same way the mind works.  Win-win minds will one day manifest a win-win world.

Terrorism, shootings, bombings are all caused by win-lose belief systems perpetuated by religion and politics.  When something horrible happens, people stop competing and cooperate for the greater good.  But then life goes back to normal and they bring out the gloves.  The cycle perpetuates because the cause (the win-lose mindset) is never fixed.

I’m no longer interested in honoring those who ban together in a tragedy or fight well in a war.  They aren’t heroes; they are looking for relief from their suffering.

I’m interested in the man or woman who chooses win-win to avoid the tragedy, before they have something to gain, just like my general friend.  His medal of honor in Vietnam was worthless in his daily life.  He became a true hero when he quit fighting wars and found the magic of win-win.  He got the highest reward in life; he found his True Self.

 

Is end of war possible?  I think so.

 

 

 

Love is Love and Sex is Sex

Stormy, the sex therapist

I realized the truth about sex from watching Stormy (above). When she didn’t want sex, she kicked the living shit out of the stallion; and she didn’t feel guilty after she did it.

By Cathy Eck

 

Love is Love and Sex is Sex

Many years ago, my friend Susan called me and said, “Hey Cathy.  Got some business for you.”

“What is it?” I asked.  One never knew what Susan was thinking.

“My friend wants a reading from you.”

“Reading?  Susan have you lost your mind?  Since when do I give readings?”

“When someone asks you to,”  she answered confidently.

“I can’t do readings.  Tell her no.”

“She’s willing to pay $300.”

“Okay, tell her yes.”

We talked for a bit, and Susan explained that her friend Bonnie found the friendly advice I gave to Susan helpful.  She wanted some for herself; but since we weren’t friends, she assumed she had to pay me.  So we renamed our interaction a consulting session and moved forward.

Bonnie came to my condo and plopped three Benjamins on the table.  Then she said, “I have one question.”

“Okay, lay it on me.”

“I’m in love with my farrier, but I’m married.  My farrier comes to do my horses’ shoes and I do him instead.  I don’t want to divorce my husband, and I don’t want to quit having sex with the farrier because it is sooooo good.”

I spoke what came to mind without judgment; after a short pause to check my emotions.  I answered:

Love is Love and Sex is Sex.  Don’t confuse them.

 

Bonnie looked at me with the most curious look.  Then she slapped a twenty dollar tip on the table, said “Thank you so much.”  She hugged me, and left.  Later Susan said that Bonnie told everyone about the amazing advice I gave her.

I was kind of dumbfounded by my own advice.  It took me awhile to really get it.  We usually link love and sex together.  Sex is often considered proof or a consequence of love.

But sex is only the effect of two possible desires:  Pleasure, in which case sex is no different from playing tennis or watching movies, and creation, which we don’t want very often.  Just ask Stormy the pony.

We make a huge mess of sex when we label it making love.  Sex is not love unless you bring love to it.  Sex is not spiritual unless you bring spirituality to it.  Contrary to the belief of many men, if you don’t get sex, you don’t die.  It’s not a need.  We don’t even need it very often to perpetuate the species.  If it became necessary, I’m sure our True Self would create a desire for it.

 

Rape and Adultery

Sex is mostly a want, an activity that can be fun.  It can also be horrible if the desire isn’t  mutual.  If rape is defined as nonconsensual sex, then rape is very normal; except we relabel it guilt or makeup sex.  In homes all over the world, one partner is manipulating the other to get them into the mood and fulfill their desire.  The moments when sex and love coexist are probably quite rare.

Then there are the religious zealots who judge gay sex when clergy themselves have been doing it for centuries.  If it sends you to hell, than hell is already full of Catholic priests.  Sex is just sex; and if we took all the baggage out of it, and only did it when it was win-win for everyone involved, life would be so simple.

What about adultery?  The Bible says adultery is bad, and people assume that it refers to sex outside of marriage.  But the Bible is a text for the mind, not the body.  Even Jesus said that adultery happens in the mind.

In the ancient world, the only real marriage was the alchemical marriage in our mind.  The alchemical marriage meant that your male mind and your female mind were in harmony.  If the male mind aspect didn’t listen to his feminine, and instead listened to someone outside of his own mind, he committed mental adultery.  In short, accepting another’s beliefs was adultery.  The very act of following religion is actually adultery according to the ancient masters because you’re not following your own True Self, your own inner God.

So while many consider sex outside of marriage taboo, others actually consider it normal especially if their True Self coaxes them into the experience.  Jealousy and possessiveness create relationship problems, not sex.  When sex leads to love, we fall in love; and falling is never pretty.  When unconditional love leads to sex; we don’t make much fuss about it.

 

Take the Taboo Out, and the Urge Disappears

One day, a young Hasidic Jew called me for mentoring.  He was the coolest kid; I just loved him.  He said, “I’m supposed to be so religious, and all I can think about is pornography.”  I didn’t judge him, I told him that he should look at it as art and enjoy it.

“That’s it?” he said.

“Yep that’s it.”  I knew that when something taboo becomes acceptable, it looses its attraction.  In his case, the results were very quick.  He called me back an hour later and said, “I don’t want to do it anymore.  It’s no longer fun.”  We both cracked up.  I simply tricked him into letting go of his judgment.

When Adam and Eve’s fall became about sex; and sex became evil and sinful, we all wanted more of it.  But when sex falls off its pedestal and just becomes sex, all the problems, compulsions, and suffering vanish.  Like everything else in life, it becomes what you make of it.  It becomes a creative tool in your life toolbox.

When this mental transformation occurs, our true unconditional love shines through.  Then we realize that all that sex stuff was a whole bunch of nothing.

 

On a related topic, learn about mental virginity here.

 

People Who Need People Are the Most Dysfunctional People in the World

Barbra Streisand

Barbra Streisand’s mega hit, “People,” gave fuel to the fire of codependence where needing and enabling join dysfunctional forces.

What Do We Really Need?

I’ll be honest.  I’ve always hated that song, “People,” by Barbra Streisand.  My mother was a huge Streisand fan, and she played that song over and over when I was a child.  Something about those words just didn’t feel right.

Then I became an adult, and I understood why.  People who need people are not lucky, they are dysfunctional.  That song is right up there with Jerry Maguire’s, “You complete me.”  They are sentiments that fuel codependency and living life as half of a person.

My mother-in-law loved when her kids were sick or had problems because they needed her.  That’s not loving, that’s dysfunctional.

My husband used to say, “I need you to greet me at the door when I come home.”  No he doesn’t.  He can like when I greet him at the door; but if he needs it, he’s dysfunctional.

I had employees that needed me to solve their problems; one day, I got so mad that I put up a sign that said, “I’m no longer your problem fixer.”  

Let’s get real.  We need air, water, and food.  That’s it.

Men say we need sex, but we don’t.  We won’t die without sex.  With modern technology, we don’t even need sex to reproduce.  Everything beyond food, water, and air is a want.  Wants are not bad and fulfilling someone desires can be fun, but we are manipulating others when we label our wants as “needs.

 

People Who Need People Have Baggage

People who need people are hungry for approval.  People who need people are lonely.  People who need people are sometimes incompetent.  People who need people fear rejection.  People who need people are often codependent.  People who need people are NOT lucky.  They are in need of mental healing, which is not a bad thing.  Pretending we don’t need healing when we do is a bad thing.

Codependence is a sneaky trick that our mind plays on us.  It pretends to be good.  There is a story about people with a giant pot of soup and spoons that are all too long.  It was said that in heaven, they fed each other.  In hell, they starved.  But why would you have spoons that don’t work in heaven?  The story is a mess.  A truly independent person would figure out a different way to hold the spoon.  They would go find a cup or scoop it with their hands.  This is simply another form of the same, “people who need people,” trap.

 

How Do People Who Need People Fix This?

Fixing the problem is not about being a martyr and doing without.  It is about recognizing the part of the need that is false, and letting that go.  When I believe that I need something from someone, I observe my mind.  I take my attention off the other person.  My mind wants to make the other bad for not fixing my need.  But they aren’t bad.  This is my baggage, not theirs.  Often I feel unloved, unheard, or unappreciated.  Everything my mind says feels bad.  That means it is not true so I let each thought go.  I am finished letting go when I can finally see that I don’t need the other to do anything.  I’m done when I unconditionally love them.

 

The Other Side of People Who Need People

People who need people often project their need out on to other people.  I’ve often felt as if I was being coerced into playing the need fulfillment role .

The needy person pretends to be in the feminine role; they want to receive.  But they are demanding receipt so they are really playing the masculine (assertive) role.  This is why codependence is so confusing.  The people who need people are the ones bringing the problem to the relationship.  But they make their request as if the person they need is the problem.

The feminine role is not about being a slave, caretaker, or about receiving orders; the feminine role is about receiving love.  Giving your need to someone to fulfill is not giving them love.

I’ll be honest.  When someone throws a need at me that isn’t real, I can’t bring myself to do it.  It is often infused with guilt or shame.  If I don’t respond to their need, they tell me that I’m selfish, bad, or someone who is rude and doesn’t care.  They are wrong.  They are playing a game invented by religion called, “Make the other feel guilt or shame for not doing what you want them to do.”

If we stay clear and don’t fix their need, we actually support the needy person’s spiritual growth instead of enabling them.  Enabling is not love; it is actually hate or fear disguised as love.

 

People Who Need People Signals Dysfunction

The more I let go, the less I need people.  This is because letting go eliminates problems, so you don’t need others to fix a problem you don’t have.  When you no longer need people, you can enjoy them.  You can dream with them.  You can play with them.  You can really listen to them.  You become truly functional.

There are people who need people who won’t let go of their need.  So what do you do?  You fix your own mind, and let them go.  You let go of your need for them in your life, and allow them to find someone else who wants to complete their dysfunction.  When it comes to neediness, sometimes the best love you can give is to leave the relationship.

People who need people can be like crabs in a pot, they don’t want you to get out of your shared misery.  Read more here.

 

Photo Credit: Al Ravenna, World Telegram staff photographer [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Why are Human’s So Gullible?

By Cathy Eck

What follows is a clip from The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Trevor Moore, a comedian, made up fake and useless inventions.  Watch the innocent people who are asked to test his products.  Would you have fallen for his trick?

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Marketing, Politics, Religion…Lies, Lies, Lies

Every day we are bombarded by marketing.  We buy things that we don’t really want.  We hope that the claims that the advertisers make are true.

We listen to politicians and hope they are telling the truth.  But do they ever tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Recent studies claim that people don’t just lie daily, they lie hourly.  People lie about everything.  People no longer feel guilty or shameful when they lie; they only feel bad when they get caught.  Some people even feel bad when they don’t lie.

 

White Lies are Still Lies

This is a subject near and dear to me.  Growing up, I was unable to tell a lie of any color; then I married a man who was normal in the lying department.  I remember hoping that he would teach me how to communicate.  He did; over time, he convinced me that lying was socially correct.

In his eyes, I was rude and uncaring.  He saw lies as charm and kindness.  He told people what they wanted to hear even if it was complete crap. You might recognize him as a people pleaser.  People pleasers are damn good liars.  I went along with his beliefs for many years, but then I realized that I didn’t like myself anymore.

My relationships had become superficial, including my relationship with him.   When I didn’t tell the truth, I couldn’t tell if others told me the truth.  I accepted compliments that I knew were white lies.  Trying to figure out what others wanted to hear was too much work for me.

One day, I decided that I was returning to complete honesty even if it had a price.  I revamped my business around telling the truth, and my business thrived because it was my business.  But the rest of my life didn’t thrive.  I felt as if I had broken some sort of nonverbal agreement that said, “I won’t expose your lies if you don’t expose mine.”  But that isn’t relationship, at least not in my world.

 

Why Do We Lie?

I didn’t belong in that world, and I left it.  I don’t miss it at all.  Exiting from that world required me to face the reasons that I’d accepted lying as right, spiritual, or nice.  Here are a few:

1)  The truth hurts; people don’t want to hear the truth

2)  People don’t want your opinion; they want support for their opinions

3)  If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all

4)  Everybody lies

5)  Life is competitive — winner takes all

6)  You get punished if you tell the truth

7)  I hurt people if I tell them the truth

Lying has a price that people deny.  My husband believed that God wanted him to be nice, and truthful wasn’t nice.  Since everyone in his life was such a hot mess, then lying was being nice, I guess.  But lying perpetuates their mess.  Agreeing that someone is incurable doesn’t help them find a cure.  Lying keeps people stuck.

 

The Truth Does Set Us FREE

God wants us to live from truth and unconditional love.  When we lie to another or to ourself, we cut ourselves off from God.  Then we have to get from others what we would normally get from God.  We are people pleasers because we need people to like us — we are lonely because we are cut off from God.  It  is a giant circular mess.

 

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Beliefs Are an Acceptable  Form of Lying

My biggest challenge since I reverted to telling the truth is that most people don’t believe me.  The truth often sounds stranger than fiction.  The truth feels odd when we are used to hearing beliefs, which are half-truths, and lies.

On some level, people want to be lied to.  Our false self doesn’t like when our beliefs are challenged.  We were programmed to be that way.  People would rather believe for a moment that their face will lose the wrinkles from an air machine or their junk will stay in place than face the facts and fix the true cause, which is always a belief.  People are suckers for beliefs that feel good in the moment because they hope that the new seemingly positive belief will counteract all the negative ones.

You can’t cure a belief with another belief.  At best, you get some temporary relief.  If these innocent people in the video knew they were beautiful or had junk that stayed in place, they wouldn’t even be pulled into the salesman’s world.  We don’t need hope when we live from the truth.

 

Letting Go Brings Us Back to Our True Self

The biggest lies we were ever sold are: we can’t let go of beliefs, we must believe authority, and we can’t tell the truth from a lie.  Those beliefs cause us to be gullible.

When we let go of the lies in our own mind, we see the lies clearly in others.  We don’t fall for other people’s beliefs, and sometimes they don’t like that.  Like this video, their thoughts, beliefs, and even their lies become funny to us.  We feel comfortable exposing them, and sometimes they even laugh along with us.  Sometimes they find someone else to lie to.  Either way, we don’t end up as the proud owner of  a Junk Jumbler.

 

While we are on the subject of lying, “Here are my Top Ten Biggest Lies Ever Told.

Escaping the Double Bind or Catch 22

By Cathy Eck

 

Mango and the Double Bind

In the mid-1990’s, Chris Kattan played the flamboyant Mango on Saturday Night Live.  As you can see, Mango verbally tells Garth Brooks to get away; but when Garth Brooks does as requested, he pulls him back with his animal magnetism.

Garth Brooks is clearly confused; he wants to get away from Mango, but can’t.  He obviously can’t come toward him and leave him at the same time.

When I first saw this skit, I thought it was hysterical.  Like most great comedy, it exposes the shadow reality that people usually deny.

Mango demonstrates the double bind, which is a highly emotional and challenging dilemma.  A person (Garth) receives two conflicting messages, and one message negates the other.  A successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other.  The receiver is stuck in lose-lose.

You might know this experience by another name, the Catch 22.  It is the situation that you just can’t win.

Double Bind -- I don't get no respect

Usually, one message is external and the other is internal or unspoken. We don’t see the conflict, but we feel it.

 

 

Coping with the Double Bind

In order to cope with double bind messages received from others, most people learn to ignore their feelings.  They train their minds to listen to people’s words and blindly obey.  Others, especially children, find themselves in unexpected trouble because the emotional pull of the unspoken message is stronger than the verbal request.

A symptom that we’ve been caught in the web of another’s double bind message is that we wonder why we behaved or reacted as we did.  We might say something like, “I just wasn’t being myself.”  Sometimes the other blames us for the conflict; and yet, we can’t see how or why we were the cause.

Most of us have our first double bind experience in early childhood.  That sets the stage for many more such experiences throughout life.  These memories feel unresolvable because we just can’t find the cause.

 

Both People are Confused in a Double Bind

Understanding the cause of the double bind is key.  This can be tricky.  Mango clearly knew what he was doing, and he was the cause.  But he hides his wacky hand motions when Garth turns around; he doesn’t want to be exposed.  It is unlikely that Mango would be willing to admit to his purposeful manipulation; Garth Brooks was right to walk away.

Politicians and slick sales people send out multiple double bind messages in their conversations; they purposefully confuse you so that you will ignore their conflicting data and do what they want.  They have no intention of admitting that they are the cause.

 

The Innocent Double Bind Message

Most of us send innocent double bind messages.  In the cartoon above, the character probably doesn’t realize that he’s sending out a double bind message of “I get no respect.”  He probably blames the people who don’t respect him for being ignorant, rude, or not honoring his authority.

This double bind can be fixed if the sender takes responsibility for their confusing message.  They have to recognize that they are seeing the mirror image of their message in the other; then they can let go of the causal belief in their own mind.

If we are blaming another for our unhappiness or our lack of fulfillment, we are sending a double bind message.  We want the person to love us, but we don’t believe we are worthy of their love.  We want the job, but we don’t really want to work.  We want our children to get along, but we believe that all children fight.  Our minds are full of internal double binds.  We waste our life trying to manage them, hide them, and leap over them.

 

Receiving the Double Bind

What if we are on the receiving end of the innocent double bind message?   The sender believes they are being crystal clear when their message is actually double bind.  This is very common.

First, we have to get our own mind clear because the double bind message has probably confused us.  There is a causal belief within us that got us into this situation; letting that belief go is our work.

We find our own causal belief by looking at why we are in the situation, and more important, why do we believe the sender?  Often, they play the role of authority figure in our life.  We might be married to the sender; or we could be their child or their employee.  We have a belief in our mind that we must believe them, please them, or make them happy.  And we can’t succeed.  For the receiver, the cause is rarely about the message; it is nearly always about a win-lose or dominance-submission relationship.

When we are clear, we can sometimes help the other to see their double message.  If they are willing to let go of their beliefs, then a positive outcome can be achieved.  The sender gets rid of their conflicting belief and the receiver can decide to give them what they want (or say no) with clarity.  But if the sender won’t change, it is time to leave our Mango behind.

 

The Reward is Mental Freedom

Most of us have loads of memories of double bind situations.  They often sit in our mind wrapped in guilt or shame.

We can resolve the double bind memory by re-experiencing it in our mind.  It isn’t easy; and if you are not experienced with this, I recommend you do it with the support of a friend or mentor.

Clarity comes when we can see the message that was sent and the message that was received.  Even if the other person is long gone from our life, we can free our own mind by letting go of our part of the double bind experience.

 

PS:  I had a best friend years ago that was just like Mango; and I adored her because when I said to her, “Stop being like Mango,”  she laughed.  You see, Mango isn’t bad or even a problem when exposed.  Mango is only a problem when he’s hidden.  

 

Click here for another article that offers some advice for getting beyond painful memories.  

Cartoon Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How Do You Know If It Is Unconditional Love?

Unconditional love honors our differences.

Unconditional love always honors our differences.

By Cathy Eck

 

Unconditional Love Is Normal

After speaking on a cruise ship, a woman came up to me and said, “I’m sorry if this is a stupid question, but can you please explain unconditional love.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt it or even thought it was possible.”  I wanted to cry because unconditional love should be our normal state of being, not some weird phenomenon that occurs only when Venus eclipses the sun.

Unconditional love is the raw material of our True Self.  You can’t pretend to be unconditionally loving.  You can’t learn unconditional love.  You are it.  But most people have forgotten that they are unconditional love because they’ve been plastered with papier-mache beliefs since birth.  We have to break through that paper mache  cover in order to find our True Self and live from unconditional love.

 

Unconditional love monkey and bird

Conditional love wants our differences to disappear. Unconditional love finds harmony in our differences.

 

Most Love is Conditional

Most love is conditional.  That is because we often use our emotions backwards in relationship.  When we feel emotions with another, we are in false love or what is often called chemistry or romance.  Emotions are a signal that we are a false self match to this person.  Unconditional love feels like peace; and often people find unconditional love and turn away from it because it feels boring.  Unconditional love is complete; it doesn’t need another to be whole.

Letting go of our beliefs about another is the road to unconditionally loving them.  The goal is not to get the other to unconditionally love you, it is for you to unconditionally love them.  Then you give them their freedom, even if that means they don’t want to be with you anymore.  Sounds hard, but it is truly worth it.  You end up with the right people in your life, and your relationships become mutually supportive and calm.

 

An Initiation Test

Here is a test that comes from the ancient mystery school teachings.  It was used to force initiates to become unconditionally loving.

Imagine a composite person in your mind standing before you, your own personal terrorist.  They have all the most horrific qualities that you could imagine in a human being.  They are blocking the exit from the initiation chamber, and you can’t leave until you love them unconditionally.

Take one disgusting quality of your terrorist, and you can even label it.  (Enjoy it now, I don’t usually let people label anything).  Now remember that they are unconditional love so this quality that you see is not who they are.  It is an illusion.  Notice that the quality doesn’t feel good.  Witness the emotion in your body, and keep reminding yourself that they are not that label.  The quality that you see is only a facade; it is not true.  If you don’t feel any emotion when focusing on that quality, it is probably because your mind is being right that they are what you see.

Letting go begins the moment you know that what you are thinking is not the truth.

You know when you have reached the place of unconditional love with that quality when there is no more emotion.  The picture in your mind of the terrorist will often change.  It will usually soften a bit.  Keep repeating this for each horrible quality you see in the terrorist until you feel nothing but love for them.  The ancient ones said that when you free the terrorist, the terrorist will free you.  This isn’t easy; so be kind to yourself if you don’t make it out alive.  Remember, it is just an exercise.

 

Is Your True Self Running Your Life?

The ease in doing this exercise shows you just how much influence your True Self has over your false mind.  The more you are in your false self, the harder it will be to let go.  The false self doesn’t like to let go, but it must listen to our True Self.

For a harder challenge, bring real people into the position of guard, and test your skill at letting go of your beliefs about them.  Often, we have a tendency to keep people we know on the hook.  So watch out for that.  And when you are really brave, put yourself in the guard position because the person we often love the least is our self.

In truth, all of these people are our own reflection so as you do to them, you are actually doing to your self.  When you can’t find a terrorist to guard your exit, you’re FREE.

 

Let me know how it goes.  Post a comment or write to me.  I’m always interested in hearing results even if the terrorist killed you.

Want a little more love?  Here is a link to an article on the Huna Golden Rule.