Handling Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Control Dramas

Photo credit:   www.passiveaggressivenotes.com

Photo credit: www.passiveaggressivenotes.com

By Cathy Eck

This post is related to anearlier post on intimidation and interrogation.

Ashamed of our False Self

People might not admit it, but they’re ashamed of their false self.  Now think about that.  If you’re ashamed of something then you think that it’s YOU.  If you think you are your false self, you try to cover it up with something acceptable and nice.  But it’s still there.  Covering up our false self makes it hard to see and much harder to let go.  So as much as we don’t like that evil little monster inside of us, we must see it to let it go.

One of the keys to letting go of the false self is to realize that your false self isn’t you — not even a little bit.  Your false self is a bunch of beliefs.  You weren’t born with any of them.  The false self was created by authority figures in your life.

This recognition supports you in three ways:

First, you recognize that you aren’t letting go of anything important.  You won’t be needing that manure in the future.

Second, you realize that all the horrible stuff you thought you did was done by your false self (which isn’t YOU).  When you no longer fear being bad, you can’t be anything but good.  Now I realize that statement will hurt church donations, but that’s their problem.

Third, you realize that your True Self, which is good, positive, and loving is the real YOU.  It isn’t gone, it’s buried in false self manure.  Letting go is your giant shovel.

 

The “False” True Self

I know that looks like a typo, but it’s not.  When people are ashamed of their seemingly uncontrollable false self, and they don’t know how to let it go, they create a fake True Self to cover it up (which is more false self).  They sound nice and kind, and often have many profound sayings stored in memory.  But their words of wisdom are not original, and they’re usually passive-aggressive.  Their little aggressive duck legs are paddling hard under the surface, but we only see them passively gliding on the water.

Their goal is to gain power in every relationship.  They want power because they aren’t living from their True Self.  The True Self is never looking for power from others; it has unlimited power.

 

Passive-Aggressive Intimidation

I once had a passive-aggressive intimidator in my life.  He didn’t slam me with criticism; he elevated others above me.  Let’s say I was perfecting my lasagna recipe.  He’d say, “Oh this is good.”  (pause)  “My mother makes the best lasagna I ever ate.”  The pretense was that the comments weren’t connected; but they were.  The goal was to get me to feel insecure so he’d retain the power in our relationship.  I rarely responded to his comments because what can you say?  Any response just increased the manure pile.  The pattern worked for him, and so he repeated it frequently; over time, my self esteem eroded.  I developed the belief that no matter how hard I worked at something, others were always going to be better than me.  

I went searching for an answer.  One day I realized that my ability to be great at anything ended after I met him.  Quite frankly, he was just doing to me what had been done to him to erode his self esteem.  People treat others the way they were treated.  Forget the Golden Rule; no one applies it in the illusion.

I realized that his comments weren’t even true; they were an intentional power play.  So I let my belief go.  I was now standing in my True Self.  The game never worked again.

Passive-aggressive personas trick us because we can’t see the aggressive duck feet.  Often you can feel it; or like me, you notice that your self-esteem is fading.  It helps to go back to another time or place outside of the passive-aggressive relationship.  In my case, I went back to a time before our relationship.  That gave me a touchstone to support letting go of my beliefs.

Intimidators are often passive-aggressive.  We don’t catch the aggressive intimidation part, because it’s passively masked by their expertise or authority.  Telling people that they’re sinners and hell bound is first-rate intimidation. Telling someone they’re incurable because you don’t have a cure is worse than intimidation.

My son is a server; yesterday he waited on two priests.  One commented that the menu changed — some items were gone.  My son told him that if he wanted something from the old menu, he would have it special made.  The priest said, “Change is good, my son.”  My son bit his tongue; he wanted to say, “If change is so damn good then why didn’t you change out of your priest robe before coming to a burger joint.”  The priest demonstrated the latest form of subtle passion-aggression. One appears to be offering advice, but the advice isn’t requested or needed.  In fact, it isn’t even relevant.

My son demonstrated the key to freeing yourself from passive-aggressive relationships.  He knew the priest was talking to himself, because he knows that he loves change.  Knowing ourself is the best defense against passive-aggressive behavior.  The priest was the one desperate for change — dah!  The priest couldn’t know my son because his own false veil was covering his eyes.

No one needs to learn the truth; everyone has it inside already.  We only need to see through the illusion and let the false stuff go; then everyone can live from the truth all the time.  I can’t wait for that day.

Because my son could see through the priest’s passive-aggressive mask, he didn’t believe him.  He just got the joke and had a good laugh.

 

Many people get caught in victimhood because of passive-aggresive behavior and turn it into an advantage to stay sane.  But that keeps them stuck.  

Intimidation and Interrogation Exposed

Control Dramas

By Cathy Eck

Control Dramas

In James Redfield’s, “The Celestine Prophecy”  the characters discover that there’s a power battle among humans for energy.  There are four major control dramas that people use to steal power from others.  Those four control dramas are intimidation, interrogation, aloofness, and victimhood (poor me).

These four control dramas are the master tools of the false self.  To free ourselves from playing any of them, we must first excavate the ones we cannot see within our own mind.

Intimidation and interrogation are assertive masculine control energies.  They come from our male side, but women also have a male side.  Aloofness and victimhood are receptive feminine energies.  But again, men have a feminine side.  The drama we choose is dependent on our role, not our sex.

When someone wants power over another, they intimidate them with beliefs and threats, or they interrogate them with unanswerable questions.  The recipient of the masculine power-play either backs away (aloofness) or whines and vents (victimhood).

Intimidation generally causes victimhood, and interrogation causes aloofness.  These matched pairs made in hell sit at the bottom of the triangle.  To let them go, we must let go of both sides of the pair even though we’re usually only aware of one side.  The other side is played by another person.

If we appear aloof, we have both intimidation and aloofness within our mind.  We identify with only one side in any given interaction based on our masculine or feminine role.  To see the other side, we have to look at our partner in crime.

 

Intimidation and Interrogation

Intimidators bully others.  They use rules, the false God’s way of thinking, or out-of-context Bible verses for their justification.  They’re never in win-win, and what they say never feels good.  If they were aware of their emotions, they’d notice them screaming.  But they’re completely rooted in their intellect.  So the emotions usually show up in the object of their attention.

The natural response to intimidation is victimhood.  However, master intimidators play both sides of the mask.  When they’re intimidating another, they’re right.  When another beats them at their logic, they’re a victim.  They’re always on the good side; anyone who opposes them is bad.  Intimidators train their children to be intimidators or victims by demanding that they meet their standards of good.

Interrogators ask questions that can’t be answered or don’t accept any answer as right.  I used to try to answer interrogator’s questions.  Then I realized that they didn’t want answers; they wanted me to waste my energy trying to answer them.  Master interrogators don’t answer questions — they’re aloof and believe the other has no right to ask.  

Intimidation gets people to follow stupid rules.  Intimidators are big on reward and punishment.  People who’ve been raised by intimidators often become overly complementary; they stroke egos out of fear.

Interrogation starts when we’re young, and we reflect our parents baggage.  While swimming in their thought soup, we do something they detest.  We are mirroring the part of their mind that they can’t see.  They say, “Why did you do that?”  We don’t know because we’re mirroring them.  People with strong interrogators early in life often compensate by becoming lawyers or policemen so they can get it out in an appropriate way.  Others become permanent students believing they must find the answer or they’ll die.

 

Using Intimidation and Interrogation

Intimidation and interrogation can actually be useful in helping us to undo our own false self.  I learned from a master interrogator and a genius intimidator that arguing didn’t work, great logic didn’t work, and running didn’t work.  But turning inward WORKED.

I had to get rid of their voice in my own mind.  Before someone intimidates us the first time, they install a belief that they have authority to do so.  Before the interrogator asks the first question, they install the belief that they have the right to. After the causal belief is installed, we’re fully in their mental world playing the role they want us to play.  By the time, we’re old enough to step out of their world, our mind has both control dramas within it.  Circumstances and relationships demonstrate this, but often we cling to one side because if offers the best chance of winning or looking good.

As I witnessed my feelings looking for the causal belief, it was the intimidator or the interrogator in my life whose voice was speaking.  My fear of them caused me to put their rulebook of beliefs in my mind so I could avoid their wrath.  There was no mean God; but there were mean men (and occasional mean woman playing a male role) in my life.

When I found a belief that pretended it was true, I turned my inner intimidator and interrogator loose on it.  If an intimidator originally put the belief in, I intimidated the hell out of that belief.  I let it know it had no power.  If necessary, I interrogated my belief and asked it why it thought I needed it.  Then I’d tell it how wrong it was.  You see, you say all the things to the belief that you want to say to the person.  Once your mind is free; the other can’t run their control drama on you.  You’ll see it for what it is, and you might be able to help them undo their control dramas.

Now my false self was working for my True Self.  Instead of an annihilation, letting go became more like a clean up job.  My True Self felt supported, powerful, and loved.  That was what counted.  I’d been looking for support and love all my life outside, when what I really wanted was my own false self to support my True Self.

In win-win, both people move closer to their True Selves.  Therefore, when any false self loses power, it’s win-win although you probably won’t get a thank you card.  When people’s control dramas stop working, they stop using them.