The Passive-Aggressive Masculine Role

black and white panda passive-agressive behavior

By Cathy Eck

 

Victims of the Illusion

We’re all victims of the illusion — not victims of each other.  Passive-aggressive behavior isn’t exclusively male; it lives within the collective masculine role.  Men just play the masculine role more often.

Passive-aggressive authority figures look nice, but under the surface they’re aggressive and volatile.  They create havoc all around them while looking like the calm in the eye of the storm.  Americans love to elect passive-aggressive people into office.  That’s why we’re almost always at war.  Passive-aggressive people don’t see their own aggression within because it’s covered with a highly polished mask.  They think they are their mask.

To emotionally-connected people, the passive-aggressive masculine role looks good but feels bad.  It’s confusing.  We expect people to be internally and externally congruent.

To those who can’t feel emotions, the passive-aggressive masculine role looks too good to be true.  They’ll put them on a pedestal to admire and worship — like royalty, stars, or elite.

 

Making the Passive-Agressive Person

If I want to create a passive-aggressive male, I’ll program his mind while he’s young.  First, I’ll create an emotional, angry male — the aggressive part — by consistently imposing my beliefs on him.  I won’t honor his True Self.  I’ll tell him that he’s inherently bad — a sinner.  When he reflects my flaws, I remind him how bad he is.  “Life is suffering and struggle,” I say.  “Hard work is a virtue.”  That will all feel horrible, but I’ll tell him that his emotions mean it’s true — so deal with it.  Don’t cry about it.  It’s the way life is.

If the boy was raised in eastern traditions, I’ll tell him to accept his karma or caste.  I’ll destroy his hopes and dreams, and even deprive him of choices regarding work or love.  When he has a natural emotional reaction to my beliefs, I’ll remind him that his emotions mean I’m speaking the truth.  I’ll teach him to respect others who share my beliefs.

When I’ve broken him, psychologically reversed him to ignore or hate emotions, made him blindly obedient to my beliefs, and am sure he’s repulsed by the truth, I’ll put a nice wrapper on his aggressive masculine.  I’ll teach him morals, rules, and manners — to look nice and kind.  I’ll teach him to never look inward.  His outer-directed focus will project his suppressed aggressive side out.  He’ll spend his life trying to fix, kill, or control his own projection.  He’ll do to others what was done to him and think he’s good.

He’ll use his emotions to protect his beliefs or to look charismatic.  He’ll go to war and kill the enemy for his beliefs.  He’ll rigidly defend his religion and culture.  He’ll be proud when he converts people to his belief system.  He’ll unconsciously seek aggression and competition like a heat-seeking missile.  When things go wrong, he’ll view himself as a victim of his own feminine projection.  When things go right, he’ll declare his beliefs right and true again.

 

Black Sheep

The people who play the reflective, feminine role for the passive-aggressive masculine role are the black sheep.  The feminine role is the aggressive projection of the passive-looking masculine.  If we got out of childhood without passive-aggressive programming, we get tricked into relationships with people who look nice and hide aggression because we don’t understand our emotions.  Our emotions signal when we’re entering into a false-self relationship, but we think it’s a great opportunity, chemistry, romantic love, sexual attraction, or excitement.  The illusion has endless tricks to capture us.

As long as we don’t challenge the passive-aggressive masculine role’s beliefs, their aggression gets projected elsewhere.  They adore us because we’re on their side.  But if we expose the aggression, say no to them, or disagree, we become the enemy.  The passive-agressive masculine isn’t looking for friendship, love, or partnership.  They’re looking for agreement that they’re right and good.  Their only desire is to keep up their nice, kind, spiritual, or good persona.  Exposure is their biggest fear.

We label those who play OSCAR-worthy reflective feminine roles mentally ill or hysterical.  They explode when the situation doesn’t seem to merit the reaction because they feel the underlying aggression coming from the masculine.  They commit crimes, and can’t explain why.  If we don’t have a strong mask ourselves (children, introverted women, creative people, sensitive men, etc.), we’ll flow swiftly down their passive-aggressive stream; and we don’t make sense even to ourselves.

The passive-aggressive masculine is an old pattern.  It’s been used by political and spiritual leaders for thousands of years to create blindly obedient slaves.  It’s the false God, which is nothing more than a composite of our early authority figures.

When passive-aggressive behavior infects a relationship, it’s difficult to cure.  Both people think the other is the cause.  The passive-aggressive masculine role actually holds the cause, the feminine role acts out the effect.  To stop the destruction, both people must pay attention to THEIR own minds.  They must stop the compulsion to fix the other.

The masculine role must let judgmental thoughts about others go because they are their projection.  Passive-agressive minds hold on to thoughts about others that feel bad.  They get their worth from mentally comparing themselves to others who they see as bad or wrong.  

The feminine role must follow their emotions to the causal thoughts.  They’ll end up in what feels like the passive-aggressive person’s mind.  They don’t need to change their mind, they just need to let the belief go by recognizing it’s false.  

The aggression wasn’t anyone’s fault; we all got it as innocent children.  But it’s absolutely our responsibility to correct it.  When we let our aggressive side go, we no longer need the passive mask.  We become our True Selves.  This changes our relationships, ourselves, and the world.  We no longer look too good to be true; we’re just plain good.  And the black sheep in our life suddenly become lily white.  They no longer have to reflect what we can’t see.  They too can be themselves.  

Handling Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Control Dramas

Photo credit:   www.passiveaggressivenotes.com

Photo credit: www.passiveaggressivenotes.com

By Cathy Eck

This post is related to anearlier post on intimidation and interrogation.

Ashamed of our False Self

People might not admit it, but they’re ashamed of their false self.  Now think about that.  If you’re ashamed of something then you think that it’s YOU.  If you think you are your false self, you try to cover it up with something acceptable and nice.  But it’s still there.  Covering up our false self makes it hard to see and much harder to let go.  So as much as we don’t like that evil little monster inside of us, we must see it to let it go.

One of the keys to letting go of the false self is to realize that your false self isn’t you — not even a little bit.  Your false self is a bunch of beliefs.  You weren’t born with any of them.  The false self was created by authority figures in your life.

This recognition supports you in three ways:

First, you recognize that you aren’t letting go of anything important.  You won’t be needing that manure in the future.

Second, you realize that all the horrible stuff you thought you did was done by your false self (which isn’t YOU).  When you no longer fear being bad, you can’t be anything but good.  Now I realize that statement will hurt church donations, but that’s their problem.

Third, you realize that your True Self, which is good, positive, and loving is the real YOU.  It isn’t gone, it’s buried in false self manure.  Letting go is your giant shovel.

 

The “False” True Self

I know that looks like a typo, but it’s not.  When people are ashamed of their seemingly uncontrollable false self, and they don’t know how to let it go, they create a fake True Self to cover it up (which is more false self).  They sound nice and kind, and often have many profound sayings stored in memory.  But their words of wisdom are not original, and they’re usually passive-aggressive.  Their little aggressive duck legs are paddling hard under the surface, but we only see them passively gliding on the water.

Their goal is to gain power in every relationship.  They want power because they aren’t living from their True Self.  The True Self is never looking for power from others; it has unlimited power.

 

Passive-Aggressive Intimidation

I once had a passive-aggressive intimidator in my life.  He didn’t slam me with criticism; he elevated others above me.  Let’s say I was perfecting my lasagna recipe.  He’d say, “Oh this is good.”  (pause)  “My mother makes the best lasagna I ever ate.”  The pretense was that the comments weren’t connected; but they were.  The goal was to get me to feel insecure so he’d retain the power in our relationship.  I rarely responded to his comments because what can you say?  Any response just increased the manure pile.  The pattern worked for him, and so he repeated it frequently; over time, my self esteem eroded.  I developed the belief that no matter how hard I worked at something, others were always going to be better than me.  

I went searching for an answer.  One day I realized that my ability to be great at anything ended after I met him.  Quite frankly, he was just doing to me what had been done to him to erode his self esteem.  People treat others the way they were treated.  Forget the Golden Rule; no one applies it in the illusion.

I realized that his comments weren’t even true; they were an intentional power play.  So I let my belief go.  I was now standing in my True Self.  The game never worked again.

Passive-aggressive personas trick us because we can’t see the aggressive duck feet.  Often you can feel it; or like me, you notice that your self-esteem is fading.  It helps to go back to another time or place outside of the passive-aggressive relationship.  In my case, I went back to a time before our relationship.  That gave me a touchstone to support letting go of my beliefs.

Intimidators are often passive-aggressive.  We don’t catch the aggressive intimidation part, because it’s passively masked by their expertise or authority.  Telling people that they’re sinners and hell bound is first-rate intimidation. Telling someone they’re incurable because you don’t have a cure is worse than intimidation.

My son is a server; yesterday he waited on two priests.  One commented that the menu changed — some items were gone.  My son told him that if he wanted something from the old menu, he would have it special made.  The priest said, “Change is good, my son.”  My son bit his tongue; he wanted to say, “If change is so damn good then why didn’t you change out of your priest robe before coming to a burger joint.”  The priest demonstrated the latest form of subtle passion-aggression. One appears to be offering advice, but the advice isn’t requested or needed.  In fact, it isn’t even relevant.

My son demonstrated the key to freeing yourself from passive-aggressive relationships.  He knew the priest was talking to himself, because he knows that he loves change.  Knowing ourself is the best defense against passive-aggressive behavior.  The priest was the one desperate for change — dah!  The priest couldn’t know my son because his own false veil was covering his eyes.

No one needs to learn the truth; everyone has it inside already.  We only need to see through the illusion and let the false stuff go; then everyone can live from the truth all the time.  I can’t wait for that day.

Because my son could see through the priest’s passive-aggressive mask, he didn’t believe him.  He just got the joke and had a good laugh.

 

Many people get caught in victimhood because of passive-aggresive behavior and turn it into an advantage to stay sane.  But that keeps them stuck.