The Host Parasite Relationship

Host Parasite relationship

By Cathy Eck

 

The Host

I never thought much about the notion of hosting until visiting Ecuador for a few months. I considered the woman who owned the home I stayed in to be my host.  Ironically, I started having problems with my internet provider during that time; of course, they were my “hosting” company.  The odd thing was that my hosting company was perfect until I went to Ecuador.  Clearly an old belief was coming up for releasing.

I decided to review my memories around hosting in general.  Many memories surfaced, and all were the same situation with different people.   I’d meet someone in my home or a neutral place, and we’d get along great.  Then they’d invite me to their home where they were the host.  Now I couldn’t stand them.  I felt as if they gave me food and wine in exchange for the whining that I would endure until I could politely escape their house of horrors.  One of these people even said to me, “Now you’re on my turf.”

The host role is a masculine role.  The true masculine host gives unconditionally.  The false masculine host looks like it gives when it actually takes like a parasite; it gives conditionally.

 

Host and Parasite

The word host has an opposite or a complement, depending on how you look at it — parasite.  Wikipedia says, “The host and parasite exert reciprocal selective pressures on each other, which may lead to rapid reciprocal adaptation.”

Humans shouldn’t be adapting to each other’s false selves.  Sadly, most relationships have a fragile quality to them.  Everyone behaves like tightrope walkers focused on holding the delicate balance.  People adapt to the most fragile ones; and everyone is secretly miserable.

A whining host behaves like a parasite, sucking the life out of its guests.  As a false masculine, they establishes the tone of the experience for everyone.  The false masculine commands the power and control of the masculine role while also receiving the benefits that belong to the feminine role.  Consequently, people seek the spotlight in the home or the stage.  They get the power, and they get the attention and/or money too.  They often label that win-win.  Those of us in the feminine role label it lose-lose.  We have no power; and we receive things we don’t want.

My internet hosting company pretended to serve me.  But they sent me crap that shut down my computer and websites.  I felt that I had to protect myself from my own host.  Ah, I was now seeing the pattern.  I felt the same way when visiting these hosts — like I needed to protect myself.  Since I’m not a fan of wrapping myself in white light, I wanted to find out how I ended up in this situation over and over.

Power in the illusion requires getting others to submit to or follow the leader’s beliefs so they can get what they want.  If you look at royalty, they give nothing; they have all the power, and boy do they receive.

Both of my hosts wanted me to listen to their self-inflicted problems and feel sorry for them.  I was supposed to marinate in their crap and not hold them responsible.  I had to pretend the cause of their problem was a mystery.  I had to pretend that they were a victim.  As a good guest, I was supposed to follow this social norm.  It was time to let that go.  I’d had enough.

 

The Escape

We generally feel powerless in the feminine role.  We’ve been trained that we can’t or shouldn’t get the masculine host to change.  But I’ve discovered that when I completely let go of my feminine role in any drama (including my emotions), the scene does change.  When I let go of my feminine role in my relationship with the host, I moved beyond roles (or into a True Masculine place from their point of view).  Now I only had to make sure that I didn’t judge or label them.  I had to make sure that I was speaking truthfully, not grabbing the stage.  Frequently, the host would relax; and our conversation became light, creative, and fun.  They became a proper host.

If they just wanted power and control over me (or still thought they did), they’d try to see me as the problem — a parasite.  They wanted their beliefs or drama validated.  They were now feeling the emotions that they were previously projecting out by whining.  The angst was where it belonged, with the whiner (parasite pretending to be a gracious host).

I’d often get trapped at this point because they thought that I was causing their emotions.  If I didn’t say anything, they’d often say, “Are you doing something to me?”  Often I’d doubt myself.  Was I the cause?  We live in a strange world where we believe we can say horrible things without paying a price.  And when held accountable, people blame the listener or questioner for the emotion they feel.

When I encounter new belief patterns, I go back into my memory and replay old situations with my new understanding.  I see the memory as it was; but this time, I also let go.  I don’t take in what the other people said; I see their beliefs as just beliefs — powerless, untrue, and certainly not who they are.  I watch as the situation changes in my mind.  It has to.  Of  course, it’s perfect in my mental workshop; but my repaired memories become my new history.  This sets the tone for my future real life exchanges.  Yes, we can change the past.

Eventually, in my mental workshop, I saw that the human opposite of host wasn’t parasite; it was guest.  The host now unconditionally gave; and I, the guest, joyously received.  Ironically, once I did this inner work, my Ecuadorian host fixed up my room.  She started to give to me in many ways.  And my internet hosting company took responsibility and fixed their problem.

Who Is Hurting Whom? A Relationship Trap

Relationship problems

By Cathy Eck

 

Relationship Difficulties

The illusion is always backwards from the truth.  Once we’re lost in it, we can’t see the truth.  We’re filled with emotions; and we just want someone, anyone, to fix them.

Most arguments happen because one person or group wants others to eliminate their emotions or fulfill their false needs and wants.  However, if we meet another’s need or want, they aren’t likely to fix the cause.  They’ll just expected us to fulfill it again and again.  Inspirational speakers and clergy, advertising, drug companies, and traditional medicine and therapy all prey upon this aspect of the illusion.  We will come back again and again for a fix, and they will gladly continue to bill us.

Initiation saved me from this trap.  From the initiate’s perspective, relationship exposes the places that our false self still holds beliefs.  If someone can upset us, or we fear them, our false self is afraid of losing power to them.  They’re playing a masculine role in an illusion where we’re feminine.  If we feel we must control or fix others, we’re playing the masculine role.  In the illusion, of course, the masculine role appears to have all the power.

As we travel the path of initiation, we find it increasingly difficult to meet another’s false needs or wants.  We want authentic relationships.  Even money isn’t enough incentive to play a permanent false role in another’s life.  We want others to join us in freedom.  And often, we’ll try to convince them to let go.

We can look rude or uncaring when we suggest letting go or won’t do what they believe they want or need.  But once we see the world’s suffering as an illusion created by FALSE beliefs, we can’t pretend it’s true anymore.  We can’t feel good about fixing effects.   This is one of those awkward stages.  We find it hard to sympathize with their false problems.  We can’t condone their disempowering labels.  We often feel bad about this because we do care.

They think their beliefs, needs, and wants are real and won’t go away.  They believe what their mind tells them; they refuse to let go.  Usually, we can see that their problems have a payoff; they manipulate others to fill their deeper false need or want, such as loneliness, insecurity, or lack of love.  They create a false connection to others, which appears to sooth their separation from their own True Self.

 

A Simple Example

Your partner asks you to spend time with them.  You say, “No, I want to be alone tonight.”  So partner says, “So I’m not important.  You’re so hurtful.  You don’t care about me.”  Those are three imaginary false self statements.  Your partner is giving you reasons for why you said “No.”  But none of them are true; you know that.  Your partner, however, has deep loneliness at the core of their false self.   They don’t want to feel that loneliness and let it go; they want you to take it away.

Often our social brainwashing kicks in.  We fix their need; and we feel obligated to fix it.  Then we’ll get entangled in their illusive reality.  In time, we’ll resent them.

 

Who’s Hurting Whom?

Nothing has caused me more confusion and pain in my life than this confusing issue.  I can see the beliefs that keep others stuck, and I simply refuse to condone them.  But I’ve often been seen as rude and uncaring for exposing others’  beliefs.  Their false self would think I was trying to hurt them.

I lived in a world of people who were addicted to the illusion and wished me to grant them a moment of comfort rather than a life of freedom.  I simply didn’t belong.  My gift for freeing people was a curse in their illusion.  Beliefs are sacred in the illusion.  One who tries to change or eliminate them is evil.

I know I’m not alone.  Many people now see that freedom is the most loving thing we can give another.  And they, too, often feel like strangers in a strange world.

From the perspective of initiation, the general rule to see who hurt whom is to look at who’s generating emotions.  But people with giant false selves have become masters of the illusion.  They can often say something like our partner above without displaying any emotion.  That’s because they truly believe they’re entitled to our attention.  Their loneliness feels real, even infinite.  They have pride or rightness about their beliefs.  If we don’t see what they’re doing, we’ll drown with them.

If our partner was paying attention to their own emotions, they’d notice that none of their statements felt good.  They aren’t the truth.  They’re meaningless mind recordings from their past.  They’d let them go.  We wouldn’t have to fill their false need; they’d now understand us.  They wouldn’t attach false meaning to our words.  They’d thank us for helping them get closer to their True Self.

Our social customs are confusing because they focus on physical actions and not mental clearing.  Being there for another doesn’t mean listening to them dump baggage on us, soothing their emotions, or filling their false needs.  Our normal social customs create codependence, possession, and bondage; they don’t support truly loving relationship.  Gone too far, they can even lead to physical, emotional, and mental abuse.  Besides, our social customs are really expensive.

The ancient teachers taught that our false self wasn’t meant to be connected to others.  It was devised as an individual container so that we could create individually.  When someone says they need us, they’re trying to link false minds.  They want us to fix the effect of their beliefs.  They’re actually hurting us while saying we’re hurting them.  They want us to be half of an illusory whole.

Initiation is about undoing all of our false self connections and finding our true wholeness.  When we’re no longer linked to others via beliefs, needs, and wants, we’re free, and they’re free too.

 

People Who Need People Are the Most Dysfunctional People in the World

Barbra Streisand

Barbra Streisand’s mega hit, “People,” gave fuel to the fire of codependence where needing and enabling join dysfunctional forces.

What Do We Really Need?

I’ll be honest.  I’ve always hated that song, “People,” by Barbra Streisand.  My mother was a huge Streisand fan, and she played that song over and over when I was a child.  Something about those words just didn’t feel right.

Then I became an adult, and I understood why.  People who need people are not lucky, they are dysfunctional.  That song is right up there with Jerry Maguire’s, “You complete me.”  They are sentiments that fuel codependency and living life as half of a person.

My mother-in-law loved when her kids were sick or had problems because they needed her.  That’s not loving, that’s dysfunctional.

My husband used to say, “I need you to greet me at the door when I come home.”  No he doesn’t.  He can like when I greet him at the door; but if he needs it, he’s dysfunctional.

I had employees that needed me to solve their problems; one day, I got so mad that I put up a sign that said, “I’m no longer your problem fixer.”  

Let’s get real.  We need air, water, and food.  That’s it.

Men say we need sex, but we don’t.  We won’t die without sex.  With modern technology, we don’t even need sex to reproduce.  Everything beyond food, water, and air is a want.  Wants are not bad and fulfilling someone desires can be fun, but we are manipulating others when we label our wants as “needs.

 

People Who Need People Have Baggage

People who need people are hungry for approval.  People who need people are lonely.  People who need people are sometimes incompetent.  People who need people fear rejection.  People who need people are often codependent.  People who need people are NOT lucky.  They are in need of mental healing, which is not a bad thing.  Pretending we don’t need healing when we do is a bad thing.

Codependence is a sneaky trick that our mind plays on us.  It pretends to be good.  There is a story about people with a giant pot of soup and spoons that are all too long.  It was said that in heaven, they fed each other.  In hell, they starved.  But why would you have spoons that don’t work in heaven?  The story is a mess.  A truly independent person would figure out a different way to hold the spoon.  They would go find a cup or scoop it with their hands.  This is simply another form of the same, “people who need people,” trap.

 

How Do People Who Need People Fix This?

Fixing the problem is not about being a martyr and doing without.  It is about recognizing the part of the need that is false, and letting that go.  When I believe that I need something from someone, I observe my mind.  I take my attention off the other person.  My mind wants to make the other bad for not fixing my need.  But they aren’t bad.  This is my baggage, not theirs.  Often I feel unloved, unheard, or unappreciated.  Everything my mind says feels bad.  That means it is not true so I let each thought go.  I am finished letting go when I can finally see that I don’t need the other to do anything.  I’m done when I unconditionally love them.

 

The Other Side of People Who Need People

People who need people often project their need out on to other people.  I’ve often felt as if I was being coerced into playing the need fulfillment role .

The needy person pretends to be in the feminine role; they want to receive.  But they are demanding receipt so they are really playing the masculine (assertive) role.  This is why codependence is so confusing.  The people who need people are the ones bringing the problem to the relationship.  But they make their request as if the person they need is the problem.

The feminine role is not about being a slave, caretaker, or about receiving orders; the feminine role is about receiving love.  Giving your need to someone to fulfill is not giving them love.

I’ll be honest.  When someone throws a need at me that isn’t real, I can’t bring myself to do it.  It is often infused with guilt or shame.  If I don’t respond to their need, they tell me that I’m selfish, bad, or someone who is rude and doesn’t care.  They are wrong.  They are playing a game invented by religion called, “Make the other feel guilt or shame for not doing what you want them to do.”

If we stay clear and don’t fix their need, we actually support the needy person’s spiritual growth instead of enabling them.  Enabling is not love; it is actually hate or fear disguised as love.

 

People Who Need People Signals Dysfunction

The more I let go, the less I need people.  This is because letting go eliminates problems, so you don’t need others to fix a problem you don’t have.  When you no longer need people, you can enjoy them.  You can dream with them.  You can play with them.  You can really listen to them.  You become truly functional.

There are people who need people who won’t let go of their need.  So what do you do?  You fix your own mind, and let them go.  You let go of your need for them in your life, and allow them to find someone else who wants to complete their dysfunction.  When it comes to neediness, sometimes the best love you can give is to leave the relationship.

People who need people can be like crabs in a pot, they don’t want you to get out of your shared misery.  Read more here.

 

Photo Credit: Al Ravenna, World Telegram staff photographer [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons