Blame, Shame, and Guilt: The Illusion’s Superglue

Blame, Shame, Guilt

By Cathy Eck

 

Most of us have been taught to take the blame for things that we didn’t cause when we were stuck in feminine roles.  We’ve been guilted or shamed; and we’ve been taught to please others, especially authority, even if their demands are ridiculous.

Blame, shame, and guilt are the Superglue of the illusion.  They don’t exist in the true world.  Therefore, with some discrimination and wisdom, we can free ourselves from them.

 

Blame

In the true world, there are no roles.  But roles dominate our social structure (the illusion), and that isn’t a problem as long as we honor the natural flow of the energy in the illusory roles we play.  Blame involves a reversal of the natural flow of masculine and feminine roles.

Normally, the masculine energy (intellect) holds the beliefs, and the feminine energy reflects those beliefs.  In blame, the masculine energy says that the cause of the problem lies with the person or people playing the feminine role.  Or sometimes, the person in the masculine role blames another masculine role (like Obama and Bush/Romney).

If we are in a feminine role in the illusion, we cannot be blamed unless the leader wasn’t really leading.  If the masculine role is leading from truth as it should, nothing bad can go wrong.  When things go wrong, it’s the leader’s belief that’s the cause, not the follower’s reflection of the belief.

Only the person in the masculine role can drop the causal belief.  The emotions and wild behavior, that often occurs in the people in the feminine role, are the effect of the false beliefs of the masculine.  When the mind of the authority changes, their feminine reflection changes.  To fix the feminine is to fix the effect.  To blame the feminine is to blame the effect.  It doesn’t make any sense.  But we accept this reversed way of thinking because we’ve been trained to.  Everyone in the illusion is breaking their own mirror.

If you blame the feminine, you can’t solve the problem.  The feminine doesn’t have the responsibility; it’s not the cause.  The child can’t fix their parent’s belief.  The employee can’t fix their CEO’s vision.  Church members can’t fix their preacher’s mind.  Citizens can’t fix their leader’s flawed perspective.  The feminine can leave when they’ve had enough, or they can let go and become the masculine.   Fighting (or war) happens when the feminine has had enough and tries to take the power back from the masculine. Crimes are often committed against someone who reminds the criminal of their hated masculine authority.  To fix problems, the authority, masculine role, must take responsibility, fix their own mental cause, and everything will go back to perfection.  But that almost never happens in the illusion.

Early Bible stories trained our western mind to reverse our natural cause and effect thinking.  Eve (feminine) got blamed for the fall.  Moses (masculine) blames his people (feminine).  When you understand the masculine-feminine relationship in the illusion, you can’t be fooled into taking the blame any longer.

This is also true within ourselves.  When something goes wrong in our life, the cause is in our intellectual masculine mind.  Our emotions are only the messenger — we should never shoot the messenger.  If we let go of our own causal beliefs, our emotions will calm down immediately.  But often our own inner mental masculine, just like outer physical masculine authorities, wants to be right at all cost.

 

Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are given to us by authority figures (masculine roles).  No one is born with guilt or shame.

These two emotional states can be difficult to let go because someone else imposed them on us.  Our mind says that we can’t let guilt or shame go; the authority must free us.  Since we’re lower in power (feminine) than the authority (masculine), we think that we don’t have the right or ability to remove the causal belief.  This is a disgusting trick of the false mind.  It can keep us stuck for a whole lifetime.

The True Self is not capable of doing anything wrong because right and wrong comes from the false self.  If we did make mistakes (sins), we did so because we were caught in the illusion, a false self.  We didn’t want a false self; our authorities gave it to us when they taught us their beliefs and said they were true.  Our false self was created in the image and likeness of our false authority figures.

I’ve followed many people’s guilt and shame back to the source; they all lead to a really powerful, but rigid, authority figure (usually religious).  Crime is not caused by evil people.  Crime is caused by the religious-perpetuation of the belief in good and evil and right and wrong. We see it because we believe in it.

 

Freeing Our Mind

In my experience, and I’ve done this hundreds of times, the person who is blaming, shaming, or guilting was projecting their responsibility, negative character trait, or belief on to the person in the feminine role.  Once we take the blame, shame, or guilt, they have no reason to ever fix their problem.  Their mind feels a sort of fake freedom.  That’s why when we let their projection go, they often react with lots of emotion.  That’s their problem. When you drop blame, shame, or guilt from your mind, your True Self can breath again.

If you are someone who thinks others should be blamed or shamed or guilted, you probably aren’t reading this blog.  But just in case you are, remember that when you point the finger at another, three fingers are pointing back at you.  The cause is within your mind; and if you let go, they won’t reflect you anymore.  Letting go is always win-win for everyone.

Projection, Responsibility, Abuse and Letting Go

Responsibility

By Cathy Eck

Sad Stories

The most common emails that I receive are sad stories.  Someone with lots of beliefs and issues, emotionally, psychically, or physically abused the person who wrote to me.  The writer feels stuck because the abuser won’t take responsibility for their actions.  They won’t apologize.  Maybe they won’t even admit that they did anything wrong.  Consequently, the writer can’t seem to leave the pain of the abuse behind.  Often they’re stuck because they’re focusing on the physical event itself instead of the beliefs in their mind before and after the event.

Freedom begins with taking responsibility for everything in OUR mind.  If we accept that we put beliefs in (even if tricked to do so), then we can take those beliefs out.

 

Abusers are usually fragile personalities that are quick to anger and slow to forgive.  Abusers are filled with beliefs.  Emotions arise within them (because of whatever they’re thinking), but they don’t recognize the connection between their thoughts and their emotions.  They’re sure the cause is outside of them.  If you happen to be nearby when they feel emotions, you’re the cause.

Prior to any abuse, abusers always say or imply something that causes their potential victim to lose power.  The abuser claims the masculine role.  If the potential victim believes the abuser, they fall out of their safe True Self into a feminine role within the abuser’s dangerous illusion.

For example:  “Put your hands up or I’ll shoot” is a statement that says, “I’m in charge here, and you’re feminine to me.  You must do whatever I say.”  Since most people are trained to drop into the feminine role on command, the abuser usually succeeds.

The abuser fails when the potential victim doesn’t drop into the feminine.  If the potential victim stays in their True Self, they’re inspired to speak the right words or take the right action to end the abuse.

I recently saw a robbery on television.  A robber walked up to a cashier with a gun and gave a command.  The cashier replied,  “I’ll give you what you want, but you must step over here.”  The cashier didn’t believe the robber’s command; he retained his power and remained calm.  Then the cashier threw a cup of spices in the robber’s eyes.  No one was harmed, and the robber left.  In the interview, the cashier said he was inspired to speak and act — that’s his True Self in control.

For thousands of years, humans have gotten stuck when cast in feminine roles.  Thus, people battle for masculine power.  However, true power comes from our True Self.  Here’s the key to staying in power:

Emotions are always a reaction to our OWN beliefs.  Other people’s emotions are their reaction to their OWN beliefs (not what we did or said).  

 

The robber was emotional.  The cashier recognized that the robber’s emotion-wrapped words weren’t true.  He stayed in his True Self where no one can rob or harm him.

 

The Powerless Feminine Side

We don’t come into the world armed with a rulebook of beliefs because beliefs are false — unreal.  We come in as True Selves.  But, we inevitably trigger the beliefs of authority figures early in life because we don’t know their rules or beliefs.  They punish, shame, or guilt us; or worst of all, they blame us for their emotions.

We accept that blame because they’re our authority figures; we’re supposed to respect and trust them.  We’re now living in their illusion where their beliefs and rules have power.

 

They Won’t Let Go

Many people spend their lives fixing their parent’s illusion.  That won’t lead to freedom.  Other people think they have to wait patiently until their abusers let go, apologize, or die; but that rarely happens.

Look again at our robbery example.  The cashier didn’t wait for the robber to change his mind.  He didn’t try to transform or psychoanalyze the robber.  The cashier simply took responsibility, didn’t accept the command (beliefs) of the robber, and never became feminine to the robber.  He stayed in his True Self, where he remained powerful and safe.

 

Practically Speaking

You go home to your parents for a visit, and your father says, “I don’t want you to move to LA.  I’ll worry.”   What he’s really saying is that you need to do whatever keeps me from feeling emotions.  You recognize that in order for that to happen, you’d have to move into a eight-by-ten cement room with no door.  You want to move to LA, but you don’t want your dad to worry.

At this point, most of us start trying to convince dad that we’ll be safe, and no matter what we say, he doesn’t hear us.  Or we get stern and take over the masculine role and say, “Sorry, I’m grown up now.  I’ll do what I want,”  which causes a power struggle.

What we don’t do is let go first.  Dad’s statement doesn’t feel good.  Therefore it isn’t the truth.  Now he may be a first-class master worrier in the illusion you share with him.  But his True Self doesn’t worry.  So if you let go, you’re not in his illusion anymore.  The conversation must shift.

If inspired, you offer a response after letting go that causes him to join you.  If not, you wait until he says something else.  “Your mother will cry if you aren’t around.”   He’s had some training in the black arts of guilt.  But you notice what he said doesn’t feel good.  You don’t believe it.  You stay in your True Self.  If you stay clear, something will shift in the conversation.  More important, you’ll remain free.

Power games occur only because we allow ourselves to be pulled into another person’s illusion.  Once we’re in it, it looks real.  We can’t be happy in another person’s illusion, and we can’t change their illusion.  But we don’t have to.  We just have to let it go; and return to our perfect life.

 

 

The Awkward Phase On the Path To Freedom

Awkward Phase

 By Cathy Eck

 

Awkward Phase

When I was little, I’d often find myself caught in some stupid habit or pattern of thought.  My mother would say, “Ah, don’t worry about it.  It’s just an awkward phase.”  What might have become an obstruction to my freedom, like OCD or a serious addiction, left about as easily as it came.

Those are great words to remember on the quest for freedom because it often seems like one big awkward phase.  The reason for this is that when you start to choose freedom (the True Self), the remnants of your false self show up so that you can let them go.  But often they look very real, important, and true.  Usually they involve others.  Let’s look at some areas where awkwardness shows up on freedom road.

 

Traditions

Let’s pretend that your family had a tradition of Uncle Joe dressing up like Santa and bringing gifts to the children every year.  Now you’re an adult; you’ve not believed in Santa for a long time.  All the kids are gone, but Uncle Joe still dresses up.  It no longer makes sense. It’s awkward.

But even worse, now that you’ve decided to live from your True Self, you find that you can’t lie anymore.  Lying obstructs our freedom; it feels bad — yes, even so-called white lies.  Uncle Joe isn’t Santa.  The tradition that once looked fun now looks abominable.

In time, every tradition looks wrong from the eyes of the True Self.  Traditions are just beliefs on a schedule.  Traditions serve the false self.

So you’re in a quandary.  You don’t want to ruin what others think is fun; but to pretend Uncle Joe is Santa, you have to honor beliefs that now look ridiculous.  Awkward!

 

Love, Heroes, and Care Takers

People who live with both feet planted in the illusion love heroes and often shine way too brightly in a crisis.  For twelve years, I lived in a rural Virginia town and never saw an auto accident; my friend saw them all the time.  She loved getting in there to help.  I started to wonder if she was helping or causing the accidents.

Love is defined in the illusion as rescuing people from their problems, honoring that they’re victims with no responsibility, and care taking or serving without whining.  Now do a 180 and head for freedom, and you realize that all suffering is the product of the beliefs we’ve borrowed.  You can’t bear to watch someone suffer, victimhood looks like a jail cell, and you abhor problems.  But what do you do with the problem lovers and victims in your life?  Awkward!

Then there is the flip side where you mess up and create some crap in your life.  You know you’re responsible, and you just want time alone to work it out and clear your mind.  But friends and family all want to help you.  They start to feel sorry for you, and you want to kill them.  Very awkward!

 

Intentions

The illusion is all about what you do and what is right and wrong according to the illusory rulebook you’ve chosen to follow.  Now you board the freedom train, and you recognize that intention is what really matters.  Your friend is whining about her bad child for the tenth time this week.  But you can see the truth.  Her story is contributing to her child’s behavior.  Social conventions say a friend is a good listener.  But you want your friend to have a great relationship with her child so you suggest that she drop her story.  Your friend gets very mad and says you’re rude.

Now who is really the rude one?  Is it more rude to bombard your friends with all your problems and victim stories; or is it more rude to say, “I think  you’d be better off if you dropped that story?”  Awkward!

Then there is the flip side where your friends are all talking about American heroes, war, their beloved political party, and pride in America.  They’re funneling tons of fuel into the illusion, and you say nothing.  They call you unpatriotic and say you don’t care about your country.  But you understand that they’re contributing to more war and problems for the country.  You don’t want to contribute to that.  So you look bad again.  Awkward!

 

Emotions

You work very hard on your mind and more and more you realize that if you are thinking something that generates emotion, it isn’t true.  So when your family or friends piss you off, you go to work on yourself.  They start to think they’re perfect.  They never cause a problem anymore.

But then you do something that causes them emotion, and they blame it on you.  They still think that others cause their emotions, and they have no intention of letting what they see in you go.   Even worse, most of the time you didn’t do what they thought you did.  They just caught a glimpse of their own reflection.  Now just try to explain that you didn’t do what they’re sure you did.  Super awkward!

 

The Cause

None of these situations are fun.  In fact, they often make you feel like moving to a remote deserted island.  You feel like the world is just too crazy to live in.

What causes these awkward moments is that in the illusion, we’re trained to see though the eyes of other people or other beings like the old-man-in-the-sky God.  When we move toward freedom, we start to see the world through clear eyes.  However, we still remember how others saw us before.  We’re meeting the past moments that caused us to adopt someone else’s rulebook and abandon our True Self.  Old fear arises that we’ll be judged, humiliated, or punished.  But that can’t happen if we just remember to let go.

What looks like an awkward moment really is one more opportunity to gain freedom.  As long as we remember to let go, it really is just a phase.

 

 

 

Escaping the Double Bind or Catch 22

By Cathy Eck

 

Mango and the Double Bind

In the mid-1990’s, Chris Kattan played the flamboyant Mango on Saturday Night Live.  As you can see, Mango verbally tells Garth Brooks to get away; but when Garth Brooks does as requested, he pulls him back with his animal magnetism.

Garth Brooks is clearly confused; he wants to get away from Mango, but can’t.  He obviously can’t come toward him and leave him at the same time.

When I first saw this skit, I thought it was hysterical.  Like most great comedy, it exposes the shadow reality that people usually deny.

Mango demonstrates the double bind, which is a highly emotional and challenging dilemma.  A person (Garth) receives two conflicting messages, and one message negates the other.  A successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other.  The receiver is stuck in lose-lose.

You might know this experience by another name, the Catch 22.  It is the situation that you just can’t win.

Double Bind -- I don't get no respect

Usually, one message is external and the other is internal or unspoken. We don’t see the conflict, but we feel it.

 

 

Coping with the Double Bind

In order to cope with double bind messages received from others, most people learn to ignore their feelings.  They train their minds to listen to people’s words and blindly obey.  Others, especially children, find themselves in unexpected trouble because the emotional pull of the unspoken message is stronger than the verbal request.

A symptom that we’ve been caught in the web of another’s double bind message is that we wonder why we behaved or reacted as we did.  We might say something like, “I just wasn’t being myself.”  Sometimes the other blames us for the conflict; and yet, we can’t see how or why we were the cause.

Most of us have our first double bind experience in early childhood.  That sets the stage for many more such experiences throughout life.  These memories feel unresolvable because we just can’t find the cause.

 

Both People are Confused in a Double Bind

Understanding the cause of the double bind is key.  This can be tricky.  Mango clearly knew what he was doing, and he was the cause.  But he hides his wacky hand motions when Garth turns around; he doesn’t want to be exposed.  It is unlikely that Mango would be willing to admit to his purposeful manipulation; Garth Brooks was right to walk away.

Politicians and slick sales people send out multiple double bind messages in their conversations; they purposefully confuse you so that you will ignore their conflicting data and do what they want.  They have no intention of admitting that they are the cause.

 

The Innocent Double Bind Message

Most of us send innocent double bind messages.  In the cartoon above, the character probably doesn’t realize that he’s sending out a double bind message of “I get no respect.”  He probably blames the people who don’t respect him for being ignorant, rude, or not honoring his authority.

This double bind can be fixed if the sender takes responsibility for their confusing message.  They have to recognize that they are seeing the mirror image of their message in the other; then they can let go of the causal belief in their own mind.

If we are blaming another for our unhappiness or our lack of fulfillment, we are sending a double bind message.  We want the person to love us, but we don’t believe we are worthy of their love.  We want the job, but we don’t really want to work.  We want our children to get along, but we believe that all children fight.  Our minds are full of internal double binds.  We waste our life trying to manage them, hide them, and leap over them.

 

Receiving the Double Bind

What if we are on the receiving end of the innocent double bind message?   The sender believes they are being crystal clear when their message is actually double bind.  This is very common.

First, we have to get our own mind clear because the double bind message has probably confused us.  There is a causal belief within us that got us into this situation; letting that belief go is our work.

We find our own causal belief by looking at why we are in the situation, and more important, why do we believe the sender?  Often, they play the role of authority figure in our life.  We might be married to the sender; or we could be their child or their employee.  We have a belief in our mind that we must believe them, please them, or make them happy.  And we can’t succeed.  For the receiver, the cause is rarely about the message; it is nearly always about a win-lose or dominance-submission relationship.

When we are clear, we can sometimes help the other to see their double message.  If they are willing to let go of their beliefs, then a positive outcome can be achieved.  The sender gets rid of their conflicting belief and the receiver can decide to give them what they want (or say no) with clarity.  But if the sender won’t change, it is time to leave our Mango behind.

 

The Reward is Mental Freedom

Most of us have loads of memories of double bind situations.  They often sit in our mind wrapped in guilt or shame.

We can resolve the double bind memory by re-experiencing it in our mind.  It isn’t easy; and if you are not experienced with this, I recommend you do it with the support of a friend or mentor.

Clarity comes when we can see the message that was sent and the message that was received.  Even if the other person is long gone from our life, we can free our own mind by letting go of our part of the double bind experience.

 

PS:  I had a best friend years ago that was just like Mango; and I adored her because when I said to her, “Stop being like Mango,”  she laughed.  You see, Mango isn’t bad or even a problem when exposed.  Mango is only a problem when he’s hidden.  

 

Click here for another article that offers some advice for getting beyond painful memories.  

Cartoon Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane / FreeDigitalPhotos.net