By Cathy Eck
Victims of the Illusion
We’re all victims of the illusion — not victims of each other. Passive-aggressive behavior isn’t exclusively male; it lives within the collective masculine role. Men just play the masculine role more often.
Passive-aggressive authority figures look nice, but under the surface they’re aggressive and volatile. They create havoc all around them while looking like the calm in the eye of the storm. Americans love to elect passive-aggressive people into office. That’s why we’re almost always at war. Passive-aggressive people don’t see their own aggression within because it’s covered with a highly polished mask. They think they are their mask.
To emotionally-connected people, the passive-aggressive masculine role looks good but feels bad. It’s confusing. We expect people to be internally and externally congruent.
To those who can’t feel emotions, the passive-aggressive masculine role looks too good to be true. They’ll put them on a pedestal to admire and worship — like royalty, stars, or elite.
Making the Passive-Agressive Person
If I want to create a passive-aggressive male, I’ll program his mind while he’s young. First, I’ll create an emotional, angry male — the aggressive part — by consistently imposing my beliefs on him. I won’t honor his True Self. I’ll tell him that he’s inherently bad — a sinner. When he reflects my flaws, I remind him how bad he is. “Life is suffering and struggle,” I say. “Hard work is a virtue.” That will all feel horrible, but I’ll tell him that his emotions mean it’s true — so deal with it. Don’t cry about it. It’s the way life is.
If the boy was raised in eastern traditions, I’ll tell him to accept his karma or caste. I’ll destroy his hopes and dreams, and even deprive him of choices regarding work or love. When he has a natural emotional reaction to my beliefs, I’ll remind him that his emotions mean I’m speaking the truth. I’ll teach him to respect others who share my beliefs.
When I’ve broken him, psychologically reversed him to ignore or hate emotions, made him blindly obedient to my beliefs, and am sure he’s repulsed by the truth, I’ll put a nice wrapper on his aggressive masculine. I’ll teach him morals, rules, and manners — to look nice and kind. I’ll teach him to never look inward. His outer-directed focus will project his suppressed aggressive side out. He’ll spend his life trying to fix, kill, or control his own projection. He’ll do to others what was done to him and think he’s good.
He’ll use his emotions to protect his beliefs or to look charismatic. He’ll go to war and kill the enemy for his beliefs. He’ll rigidly defend his religion and culture. He’ll be proud when he converts people to his belief system. He’ll unconsciously seek aggression and competition like a heat-seeking missile. When things go wrong, he’ll view himself as a victim of his own feminine projection. When things go right, he’ll declare his beliefs right and true again.
The people who play the reflective, feminine role for the passive-aggressive masculine role are the black sheep. The feminine role is the aggressive projection of the passive-looking masculine. If we got out of childhood without passive-aggressive programming, we get tricked into relationships with people who look nice and hide aggression because we don’t understand our emotions. Our emotions signal when we’re entering into a false-self relationship, but we think it’s a great opportunity, chemistry, romantic love, sexual attraction, or excitement. The illusion has endless tricks to capture us.
As long as we don’t challenge the passive-aggressive masculine role’s beliefs, their aggression gets projected elsewhere. They adore us because we’re on their side. But if we expose the aggression, say no to them, or disagree, we become the enemy. The passive-agressive masculine isn’t looking for friendship, love, or partnership. They’re looking for agreement that they’re right and good. Their only desire is to keep up their nice, kind, spiritual, or good persona. Exposure is their biggest fear.
We label those who play OSCAR-worthy reflective feminine roles mentally ill or hysterical. They explode when the situation doesn’t seem to merit the reaction because they feel the underlying aggression coming from the masculine. They commit crimes, and can’t explain why. If we don’t have a strong mask ourselves (children, introverted women, creative people, sensitive men, etc.), we’ll flow swiftly down their passive-aggressive stream; and we don’t make sense even to ourselves.
The passive-aggressive masculine is an old pattern. It’s been used by political and spiritual leaders for thousands of years to create blindly obedient slaves. It’s the false God, which is nothing more than a composite of our early authority figures.
When passive-aggressive behavior infects a relationship, it’s difficult to cure. Both people think the other is the cause. The passive-aggressive masculine role actually holds the cause, the feminine role acts out the effect. To stop the destruction, both people must pay attention to THEIR own minds. They must stop the compulsion to fix the other.
The masculine role must let judgmental thoughts about others go because they are their projection. Passive-agressive minds hold on to thoughts about others that feel bad. They get their worth from mentally comparing themselves to others who they see as bad or wrong.
The feminine role must follow their emotions to the causal thoughts. They’ll end up in what feels like the passive-aggressive person’s mind. They don’t need to change their mind, they just need to let the belief go by recognizing it’s false.
The aggression wasn’t anyone’s fault; we all got it as innocent children. But it’s absolutely our responsibility to correct it. When we let our aggressive side go, we no longer need the passive mask. We become our True Selves. This changes our relationships, ourselves, and the world. We no longer look too good to be true; we’re just plain good. And the black sheep in our life suddenly become lily white. They no longer have to reflect what we can’t see. They too can be themselves.